Created for Better?..


I want to inspire people…

I want someone to look at me one day and say,”Because of you I didn’t give up”…

This is my heart in so many ways… Wanting to inspire people to want better, to be better, to live better and to love better…

And I feel like that’s so much of what God wants for us… From His heart… As a Father… He simply wants better for us… More life, more love and more goodness…

And sometimes “better” can seem like a far fetched and weighted idea… Because it can be so easy to get trapped in a lifestyle of death…

But then… Well, often times… When I find myself in a deadly mindset, I quickly make a decision… A decision to be better… To give a little bit more effort than the moment before…

And sometimes the decision to be better means choosing to rest… Choosing to trust the Spirit… Choosing to have a conversation with Father God… Choosing to allow both of them to bring me the comfort only they can bring me…

And I believe that’s where I am in life right now… Realizing more and more that a certain amount of comfort can only come from that which is intangible, complete and divine…

Because it doesn’t matter how hard I might search in other areas… When trying to establish comfort in other things, I still feel empty at my core without Him…

And I don’t know if you feel that way too… But I want to encourage others to discover him more… Because I believe that we are all created with a space in our hearts that only God himself can fill… And if we don’t keep that space filled with his love, grace and acceptance… Well, then I believe we will constantly have a sense of emptiness… A lack of comfort… A longing for more…

Closure…

Why is it so hard to walk away from something we love so much?.. Why did God place a heart inside of us that can so easily find the good in a person, love that person and then ask us to walk away from that goodness?… From relationships that were cultivated so well and meant so much for so long?…

Before this week, if you had asked me if there was closure in this area of my life, I would’ve said, “yes”… Because there would’ve been no doubt in my mind that that chapter of my life had come to an end…

But then, well this week I’ve found myself with all of these thoughts… Constantly pacing around in my mind… Overtaking and smoothering the light from my soul…

It’s been somewhat of a war in me…

And I haven’t wanted to talk about it… I mean, this was supposed to be dead inside of me… Over and in the past… Because I made that clear in my mind when I took a job in California 3 years ago… 

But, maybe I hid the truth from myself… I’ve been known to do that in the past… So I can see how it’s possible…

And that’s why I need to completely lay all of this down now… Before God… And I need his Spirit to come in now and completely fill what’s feels lacking and without… To show me that this continues to be the best decision that I can make in this area of my life…

And I don’t know if you’re going through something similar… A place in life where closure needs to happen so that you can move forward… So that you can have God’s best for your life…

So, if you are going through this, please know that you aren’t alone at all… That deep within me, I’m having to sort through what I feel versus what I know in my soul needs to happen… 

That closure, in this moment, has to become a part of my lifestyle… 

Broken Comfort Zone..

Do you ever have those moments when you just want to shake life? Like literally pick it up shake it around and question why it’s acting up?… 

Thats how I feel right now…

Like I need to interigate life for it’s actions… For the pain and injustice I feel… For the confusion and misunderstanding in my soul…

And I believe, deep within, that it will get better… It always does… But in this moment, well life seems so off-balance to me… So misleading… Or maybe not leading to anywhere at all…

I think what I’m trying to say here is that I don’t understand why God places us in the situations He places us in when He does… And in the moments where I think I have it figured out, well I quickly realize that I don’t… That I broke the situation down too far, and now I’m left confused and misled…

And then I don’t know what to do with the confusion I feel because it’s so much sometimes…

But then I’m reminded by Him that I’m right where He needs me to be… Even though this place of being isn’t where I want to be because it’s outside of my comfort zone… It is the best place for me…

Because being outside of a comfort zone of once known security and protection has always been good and life giving for my spirit and soul…

Because… It lets me know that I am growing… The growth is just painful at times…

Intangible Gains..

“Life looks good on you… On all three of you”…

This was a comment someone made to my family the other day…

Now, if you know anything about our lives over the past 2 1/2 years, then you know at times, life has been way less than good… Because it’s felt altogether painfully unfair…

So then, well, how can life look “good” on us?..

How can we can we be so consumed with where we are in life that we glow?.. That we radiate an intangible joy?..

Honestly, I believe it’s the choices we’ve made… To choose to find a silver lining in each situation life has presented us with… To choose God’s strength, grace and dignity over bitterness, anger and hatred…

To want to be better in one single moment than in the one before…

And it hasn’t been a cake walk… There have definitely been significant ups and downs, but then God has always provided us with His goodness… As we keep choosing His peace, rest, balance and ability to focus in on the good…

And… Well… I believe this mindset… The way we approach life… I believe it’s available to every person wanting a better life…

That each one of us can genuinely cultivate a flourishing lifestyle…

And, to me, this lifestyle doesn’t come with immediate tangible gain… No, first it comes with intangible gain… Gains that will cause us to look good… To glow… To overflow with the joy of the Spirit… With life from the intangible world that surrounds us…

So, if you’re feeling down today… Please know that there is an intangible world out there… Filled with intangible gains in life… Gains that will always outweigh and outdo any tangible gains we could ever gain… And with these intangible gains, life will definitely look good on each one of us…

Outrun by Fear?…

Why do we fear?… Why do we so casually choose to cultivate a heart of fear, rather than choose to cultivate a heart of love?…

I do this often… I fear things…

Sometimes fear leads me to fear money or the lack of money… Other times fear leads me to fear the future… And, on occasion, fear leads me to fear what others might think or not think of me…

Honestly, fear is something I deal with on a moment by moment basis…

And as much as I’d like to say I’ve overcome fear… Well I haven’t… Because it’s still a part of my lifestyle…

But….. My relationship with it has gotten much better…

Because I’ve begun to realize I fear because my security isn’t completely in an intangible, loving source… God…

Yes, in several areas I do choose to place my security in Him… I do trust and have complete confidence in the work he’s doing inside of my friends and family and even the world… But then, when it comes to my own heart… Well I let fear outrun and overpower me a lot…

I so often forget that I believe in and trust a God who is a reflection of love… And because he is that reflection of love, placing my security in him means I should be cultivating a heart of love…

So then, how do I remind myself of this intangible God and his love when I feel fear?…

Well, I have to remind myself that this loving, intangible God I believe in looks at my heart… I believe when He sees my heart, he sees only the good… That he believes in me, cheers for me and hopes the best for my life…

Because, to me, this intangible God is like the greatest father of all time… Always aiming to bring me high when I might feel low… Encouraging me through others… And providing me with my intangible needs every step of my day…

And I know that might seem a little far fetched to some… And, honestly… Well it used to seem far fetched to me… But then I started to just accept that something greater then mankind loves me, adores me and will take care of my every need… And in that acceptance, I found this powerful love that does outrun and overpower every ounce of fear we all might have…

Unwanted Soul…

There’s something incrediblely fascinating to me about feeling alone…

I think it’s the reality that sometimes our experiences cause us to feel separated from others… Like we don’t belong because life happened and now we feel less than unwanted and undesirable…

Like we have to put up a shield of protection every time we enter a room… Because, if people see how alone we feel, well we’ll be judged and marked as a flawed person…

So, rather than show people how alone we feel, we do things to cover that pain… We turn to things that cause death and destruction in our lives… And those substances, they produce more darkness, more pain and more trouble for us…

For years I turned to food… Because food gave me a sense of being wanted… I felt comforted to a degree…
And I thought once I began to eat healthy and exercise some of this feeling of being alone would fall away… That I would lose weight, become more attractive and then the sense of feeling alone would leave…

But it didn’t…

It only got worse…

And from that spiraled the addiction I had to sugar… And that addiction made me feel out of control… Out of sorts… Even more flawed, undesirable and unwanted…

And the aloneness I felt increased and multiplied…

I was driving myself, my family and close friends crazy… Because I constantly obsessed about not being able to conquer this addiction to sugar…

Of course I left out the feelings I had of being alone… It was unimportant to share all of that in detail…

I mean, who really wants to say, “I feel alone! I constantly feel alone and unwanted at my core… and it’s killing me!!!”

But that’s how I felt… That’s how I felt for years…

And the truth is, it’s no ones fault… It’s not my parents, grandparents, friends or sisters fault…

No one is to blame…

We live in a flawed world…

Seeking acceptance, that I believe, can only truly come from one source…

And I’ve said it before, but I believed that souce is Father God… He is the only source I can go to and feel whole and complete…

And, when I spend enough time in His presence… I can then live my day with a loved, wanted and accepted feeling…

Because the inside of me no longer feels the need to be intangibly loved by my family, friends and peers…

The love I am receiving goes beyond what they can provide for my soul… And so I feel good… I no longer need an addiction to cause me to “feel” better… I just need the love flowing from His heart, and His heart alone…

So if you’re going through a hard time… If you feel alone, unwanted, undesirable and out of control with an addiction… Please be encouraged to know, Father God and His love are the power that will bring you out and away from what you’re experiencing…

Because everything else, our relationships with people, our things, what we do, say and think… To me they are a facade… Seeming to make us feel loved, accepted and wanted… But intangibly, in the depth of our soul, never actually giving us what we truly need… Which is just basic love from and connection to Father God…

Alone and Lied To…

Since the age of 6, I’ve struggled with one core thing…

The fear of being alone…

Deep within the core of me, I began to believe a lie… And that lie told me, “Because of the weight I continued to gain, I would never be enough… I would never be pretty enough… I would never be small enough… I would never be desirable in any way”…

And I believed this lie of my soul… I believed it for 21 years of my life…

And the lie took on mutiple forms…

For at least 13 years I hid behind a veil of physical weight, scared of life outside of the shell…

And then the shell started to break, I lost the weight and gained confidence in the body I worked so hard to cultivate…

But then, well there still wasn’t rest in my soul…

Because I still felt like I’d always be alone and unwanted…

And it didn’t matter what my family, friends, mentors and even the Holy Spirit himself told me… Because I believed this one lie…

And so, the lie encouraged a binge eating disorder inside of me… I would binge on sweets when I felt out of control, alone and undesirable…

It was a constant, brutal cycle to my spirit, soul and body for 10 years… And I was afraid it would never leave…

But then… Then something happened… Because God, He took my situation… He took the children that I nannied and taught be about His love for me… He taught me how to love them unconditionally… Even when they might’ve hurt me… Even when they had a hard time… I loved them…

And then, after He taught me how to love them, Father God showed me how much He loves me…

Over the course of 10 months in Los Angeles… A time where I believed I was doing nothing at all, He was working within me…

Not the Holy Spirit… Not Jesus… But Father God Himself…

It’s like He came down and spent time with me everyday… Showing me how valuable I am to His heart, and that there’s no reason to allow my circumstances to cause me to feel alone… That there’s no reason to binge on sweets to feel a void in my heart… A void that only He could and can fill…

Because, as much as I’ve want to be married and have a family, I now believe gaining those things wouldn’t have filled the void I felt in my heart…

Because that void could and will always only be filled by Him and Him alone…

And so, I hope, this story… This piece of my story and who I am will encourage anyone that fills alone to seek out the very heart of Father God… Because, when we are filled to the brim with His love, from His heart… Well the realness of being alone, it completely falls away…