darkness · death · vulnerability

Father’s Day

IMG_3136You’ve been gone for 11 days, and honestly I’ve held it together for the most part until today. I didn’t think today would be hard because Father’s Day has always been another day to me… and you know my mind towards American holidays… but now that you aren’t here everyday, I wish I had you here and could celebrate this day with you. My heart is truly broken. I don’t think I realized how badly I am hurting until today. Dad, you are such an intricate part of my life and now you’re gone. You’ve literally been ripped out of it and you’ll never come back again… that hurts really really badly. More than anything, I wanted you to be here to see me get married and share that special day. To be here to enjoy your grandchildren. To help them grow and learn and build them things. Yeah, I’ll get my dollhouse back, but why does it have to be under these circumstances? Why can’t you just be here? Why can’t you be here for mom so y’all can grow old together? Dad, I need you so much. I miss you so much it hurts. You were one of my very best friends. I know you’re here in spirit, and I know it’ll get better, but it still sucks. It still sucks to never see you. And dad, so many people care about you and admire you. I never realized how amazing of a person you were until you were gone and I’m so sorry. I am so sorry I was so selfish and never took the time to look outside of myself. But dad, people are crushed. They truly love you. Thank you for being such a beautiful example of Christ and living such a just life. I’m sorry I gave you so much shit and looked at the negative all the time. I will strive to look at the positive in others from here on out, the good. And I will take care of mom and Bridget. I promise I will make sure our family is spirituality taken care of and healthy. Dad, I just love you so much. You’re everything I could’ve asked for in as a father and more. And though you won’t be there for me in the future, I promise to live a life pleasing to the Lord and you. I promise to marry someone that loves me unconditionally, like you and mom loved each other. I promise to keep you intricate in my life. You may be gone in the physical, but you will never be gone in the spiritual and you’ll never be forgotten. And I know you are so happy now and so free. I’m a little jealous because you know and understand things I never had the opportunity to grasp. You get it all now, or at least all that God let’s you get… and that’s so cool. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t do something. Trevor and I are so sorry we weren’t more proactive in saving your health. .

But, for tonight I am going to let it all go and just say I love you. I love you forever and always. You will always be in my heart and I will always carry you with me in life. I love you daddy.

2 thoughts on “Father’s Day

  1. You made me cry. I know everyday is tough right now for all of you. Especially on Fathers Day and his birthday coming up. He was so loved by your mom and you girls. He was loved by so many. I wish I could bring him back. I wish I could take all your heartache and tears away. He will always be with you all in your thoughts and hearts. When you sleep you may see him in your dreams. I love you all so much. I hurt because all of you are hurting. Remember you will always be your daddys little girl. He will be with you on your wedding day and he will see your kids. They will come into this world and you will tell them stories of your dad. We show them pictures of him and of his houses. He will live in them and they come to love their Grandpa as if he was there.

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