darkness · death · vulnerability



Death is so strange. My dad is gone. Like he’s never coming back. Ever. And I don’t know how I feel about that. And it doesn’t make things better when people say, “oh, he’s in a better place and happy now. You’ll see him again one day.” Right now, I don’t care if I see him again one day. All I care about is that he is gone from this time period forever, and there’s nothing I can do to bring him back. He’s just gone. Words don’t really even comfort me right now. Like I don’t even care when my grandma says, “God needed him to build mansions in Heaven.” That might comfort her, but to me…. I don’t care if Heaven has mansions. I’d rather have my father here. And I was so cold towards what mom and Bridge choose to write on the headstone, “Building mansions in Heaven.” I don’t give a shit if he’s building mansions in heaven. He should be here building mansions for people. People that need his gifting and talents.

But that’s dead too. His gifts and talents are dead. Gone forever in this time. No one can be him. My mom can take over his business and get her builders license, but she will never be him and have that talent because it belonged to him… it was Chris Winder, and Chris Winder isn’t here anymore. And yes, it’s an honor and a privilege to finish his home, but why can’t he just be here? This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was never supposed to happen. Ever. My father is the one person I could always rely on to be there. Always. He never really hurt me in any way. He was just always there, and I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that he’s truly gone.

And my mom lost her life partner. All of the dreams they had together are over. All of the talks they had about growing old together are gone. It’s just so strange to me. And I don’t know what to do with it all. And I feel so bad for her. It hurts my heart to see her so strong, yet so sad. I hate when couples are around her or when I see the new Coke commercial about growing old together… because, I can’t imagine what’s going through her mind. I just want to get her away from the reality of it all, but I can’t because… it is reality.

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