So I’ve been thinking about this whole eternity, Heaven concept… and for some reason dad’s death still doesn’t feel real. I mean he was just here three weeks ago… We were just goofing around at Taryn’s wedding 2 months ago… And we were just moving my stuff home from Tuscaloosa one year ago… So of course this can’t be real. I’ve spent more time with dad in my life then without him. So… It’s weird to think he’s in a place where time doesn’t exist. I’m here bound by limits and laws that associate with time… And he’s somewhere else, but all around me all at once because there’s really no distance in the spirit.
And everyone gives me their opinion on my dad and his presence. Some say he’s not allowed to see me or connect with me at all. Others say he’s with me and can appear to me in my dreams and I’ll be able to feel his presence. I’ve also been told that if I am connecting with “the dead” it’s not real and I should be careful. Honestly, I think he’ll always be a part of my life. I think his presence will enter my life at different times and I’ll be able to notice him there.
And… whether my beliefs are true or not, well… they’re mine and I’m not changing them because someone tells me too. Because I am in a lot of pain and I want to believe that my father, one of best friends is near to my heart throughout the course of my life. I need to believe this too because it is comforting. And I don’t want to argue with my grandmother about it. I just want her to respect what I believe and move on with her own life like I am moving on with mine.
I also want to believe there’s a way he can read what I write and read what’s posted on his Facebook too. I want to believe this because the internet is out there… so many levels and layers deep… And Heaven is out there too… so many levels and layers deep. So somewhere in the mix of it all, I want to believe that there is a way for me to connect with my dad even know he’s not on earth. And maybe I’m wrong, but I’d rather believe that something that powerful is possible… I mean if I have the ability to believe in God, healing, miracles and Jesus… then I can definitely believe something this simple is possible. Because it’s just a means of connection with a man I loved and still love so dearly.
I think losing my connection with him is what sucks the most. I mean.. if he were in prison or on the otter side of the world, I could still connect with him some how. But with death, that’s not possible. With death communication ends completely and it sucks. It genuinely sucks and it doesn’t feel fair at all. But that’s the way God designed it and I have to live with it all now…. No more phone calls that last 2 seconds, text messages about the “Cowgirls,” and no more Skyping because dad just wants to see my face and say hello. It’s all over. I’ve joined the ranks of so many that are fatherless, at a loss of connection with the man that created them. And there’s no other phrase I can really use right now other than “this sucks.”
But I am learning and want to strive harder to place value on the connections I do have with others. I don’t value connection like I should. It comes so easy today with the internet, cell phones and computers. We can connect with anyone living at pretty much anytime, and that’s valuable… I didn’t realize how valuable until I lost my dad… So now, I will probably pick up the phone more (Ashley will love this). And I will respond to text messages promptly.. because at any given moment, I could loose connection with people I love and care about… And I’m not saying I’m fearful… More that I value connection a little bit more than ever before.