darkness · death · grief · vulnerability



What’s the hardest part about death? Well, I don’t know yet.. The pain is real but it’s a different kind of pain. I’ve never experienced pain like this before and I don’t know how to describe it yet. I think it’s such a mixture of thoughts and feelings… Just the idea of being fatherless is so much and I don’t want my mind to go there at all. I’ve always admired my dad so much… So to have a conversation and say, “my dad used to be this way…” Well…. It sucks. He’s in the past. Like mom said, “52 forever now.”

And this pain doesn’t just included me… it extends to my family and friends of my family and father… And the extent of our pain is heavy… But I don’t know how to describe it at all. It’s unfriendly pain that reminds me of awful truth… And like medicine distracts us of pain… well… I’m using conversations, my computer and even writing to distract me from this pain. Because helping finish dad’s house is a distraction within itself. The pain is obviously there, but I’m so consumed with phone calls, number and estimates. But it’s hard to face it all at once… and I feel like it needs to be broken down into increments… because how in the world would I handle it all at once?

And, I’ve been asked if my angry… well, right now I’m not angry.. But honestly I think my goal is to stay free from bitterness. It would be so easy for me to become bitter right now… So easy. Bitterness is already there. There’s a fertile ground to cultivate on… so my job is to make sure it doesn’t grow at all. Which is a challenge within itself because it’s easy to feel like I’ve been wronged… Like the situation has wronged me… Like dad has wronged us in not taking care of his health… Like others have wronged us and dad in not taking care of their business so a miracle could happen.

But, if I choose to be bitter… if I choose to take on the feeling “I’ve been wronged. We’ve been wronged….” well I would be allowing a sickness, a sickness that killed my father to grow and possibly make me sick. And it’s not worth it. I feel wronged, but it’s not worth it to carry it around.

Last night, Bridge brought the hammer down on me and mom. She completely tore us apart in love over our bitterness because she doesn’t want to see us sick and she does want us to find good, loving things in others that we are becoming bitter with. She’s much more understanding in this situation. Of course, I threw up my, “well, I’m trying to protect myself and not be controlled again.” Which is true, but I can be better. I can be better and use unconditional love. I’m not stupid.. and honestly it feels good to bring others down when I feel pain like this. It’s not right or just and I’m sure God hates it… but it makes me feel better in an evil way to pick on someone else because I feel wronged.

And maybe a huge junk of my pain will leave when I choose to stop feeling wronged. When I choose to just let it all go and move forward. My dad would encourage me to let it go. He always encouraged me to let it go when I felt wronged by this person. He would look at me and say, “pooch, just love her and give her a break. She may not ever understand.” And I ask how many times do I have to let things go with her? And I know deep down I should let it go every single time. Bridge told us to find the good. Find the good that maybe no one’s ever shown her before because they’re too focused on other things. So… this week, I will try and find the good. I will honestly try to become better and not bitter.


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