darkness · death · grief · vulnerability



I had a dream last night and dad was in it… or at least he was communicating with me through text messages. It felt so real, and it had to be him because no one was using his phone in the dream at all. Messages kept coming to me… and I felt so good when I woke up. I felt so much better. Yesterday sucked and I had the worst headache I’ve ever had, so it was nice to have this dream.

But… today is a new day and reality keeps smacking us in the face. I hate to see my mom cry. I absolutely hate it… And there’s nothing I can say or do to make it better.. Nothing. And that makes it even worse because I want to do something, anything to make the pain go away for my entire family.

Death has a strange way of bringing out the good, the bad and the ugly. For the most part, things have been good. We’ve been positive and looking at the things dad did that were right and just… And honestly, there is so much there that I never saw or knew about. But then the bad starts to come out. Like when we have to deal with finances and look at dad’s fear of money… And that sucks, but we’re trailing through it…. But… Then the ugly comes out… And in this situation, the ugly is heart breaking for my mom.

I’ve heard it said, “when someone dies it all comes out.” No more lies. You see the truth and have to stare it in the face. In this case mom’ s not on dad’s business. He was the sole owner and operator of it all…. And to see this and know it, we’ll it hurts me because she breaks down into tears. And I don’t know what goes through her head in those moments, but it affects me in a way that makes me feel like I could bring him back to life and shake him back to death.

Yes, it can be taken care of simply… Yes it is being taken care of now… But the pain she feels from it all is still present. She has to wonder and know that my dad choose to exclude her from something that was vital to his life and…. Well that sucks.

And as I watch my mom, I see a very strong woman. She’s stronger than she knows or realizes right now. She’s being underestimated too, which is flat out annoying. Family members and friends should have great confidence in her. Because she will be ok. She will conquer and overcome all of this. And she has every right to move forward in life how ever she chooses.

My mom is still young and full of life. I don’t think she knows how much of it she really has either. Her soul is youthful and she can do so much. I hope for her that she will begin to see this in the days ahead… And when it’s time for me to go back to Cali… Well I hope she grows in ways she never thought possible.

I hate that she’s taken so long for me to realize this. I hate that overt he course of my life, division has been there and our relationship was broken apart. I’ve really hurt her in the past… And she’s forgiven me, but I still underestimate her at times. Which is ugly within itself. I guess a lot of the reason I say these things is because I feel and think differently. I know in my heart she’ll be fine, but I do underestimate her confidence because I’ve never seen it full fledge. But I know it’s there…. For me, it’s like trusting God with something new… I know he’s there. I know he’s helped me through so much before, but I still underestimate him at times.

But… I guess I’m just learning to trust in a new way. On a new level… And that’s fine with me.

One thought on “Mom

  1. Amanda, you are wise beyond your years my dear!!! You are so observant, tender, tough & loving!!! Your words are truly inspiring!! I hate I am having to get to know you this way, but what a BEAUTIFUL TALENTED young lady you are & I am proud to call you my cousin!! I love you!! Cammie

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