darkness · death · grow



Decisions. Decisions aren’t that difficult to make, but they are when you have no idea what you’re doing. I’d honestly love to believe I have a spec of the talent my father had for building homes. Really I do. Mom thinks I do. She thinks I can put colors together and see things like dad did, but I don’t. I choose to believe she wants to believe I can. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I have some kind of gifting for interior design and color… but if it’s there… if it’s truly within me… well, I don’t know how to get it out at all. And if I did, I don’t know what I would do with all of it.

What would I do if I could see colors and shapes line up in a way that would make a customer happy? What if I do have some type of gifting that would brighten the faces of others looking at my art? The kids I nanny for think I’m gifted. They think I’m so artistic because I doodle on paper when there’s nothing to do. I look at it as a way to keep my mind occupied because I get bored very easily… and they see it as so much more.

And I don’t know how I would feel to discover a gift and talent for design and color. My whole life has been focused on things that don’t even relate to that at all. But then again, maybe I would be happy. Maybe I would be satisfied because I finally found something I’m good at. One of my biggest struggles in life is feeling like and knowing I’m really not good at anything. And I know people will argue that, but that’s how I feel. I’ve always felt like an outsider and a loser. Let’s be honest… because God knows it’s true… my sister was blessed with the gifts and talents in our family. And I’ve tried my hardest to be gifted, fit in and feel special but I’m really not. I’m pretty average and boring for the most part.

My dad would argue this though. He would argue it until he was blue in the face because he loves me that much. I wish I had him here now to ask him if he thinks I’d be good at picking colors. But then maybe he wouldn’t know either… So maybe it’s best that I can’t ask him. But, if I could… I would want him to test me in some way. I would want him to entrust me with a project of some sort so we could determine if I am good with design and colors.

Maybe in a strange way this is some kind of challenge for me… picking colors in a home that he didn’t finish. Picking floors and tile and so much more. Maybe it’s some kind of secret challenge and treasure he left behind for me… And maybe I’m completely off and out of my mind because it’s late (really it’s only 10) and I’m tired. But today… today, I felt in my gut certain things that should and shouldn’t be done with the house… And I wanted everyone around me to feel and get the certainty that I felt, but they didn’t. So I’m left to wonder… And whether it’s some kind of gift or just the certainty to know how to finish the house, well I know I feel confident in those feelings.

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