darkness · death · grief · vulnerability



Not gonna lie… I’m being a little selfish this morning. Sometimes being an adult sucks because you have to make decisions, decisions that don’t always seem “fair…” Plus, I’m only 25. So I feel young, but I know I’m not a kid anymore. Responsibilities are a way of life now, and then there are those moments when I just wanna say, “I’m young and I’m doing what I want.” But today… well today I have to be responsible. And this means I can’t go to the beach on Sunday.

Last night the three of us sat down and made a list…. a long list of all the things we have to do and need to do before going, and well… it’s just not possible right now. Because we all three choose to finish the house and Bridge and I promised to get all affairs in order before we leave.

So in the midst of moving forward with daily activities of organizing a business and completing a house… I’m a little disappointed. Disappointed because I got too excited about going. Disappointed because I love the beach and the sun. Disappointed because I honestly wanted to get away from all of this for a while. And I know I’m going back to Cali in a few weeks, but I still love Destin so much and I wanted to see my friends.

But, I guess that’s life. Really it’s honoring my dad. I made a promise to my mom to be here and get things done for her. I made a promise to dad in the hospital room right after he passed that I would take care of things. That I would make sure everything was held together and that we would confidently moved forward without him.

So… here I am. Dad’s been gone for one month today and I stand here looking at this mess… And I want to get away from it, but I made him a promise. And I promised myself I would honor him…. which is challenging at times because it means doing things I don’t wanna do. It means taking my selfishness and being selfless… because dad would’ve done it for me. He would’ve done anything for me. He did do everything for me. So sacrificing one little trip to Florida isn’t that big of a deal.

And then I have to tell myself that more trips will come, and that this is really healthy for me. It’s helping my relationship with my mom get better. I feel closer to her than ever before. And… in a strange way… it’s helping my relationship with my dad. Honoring my parents is something I’ve never been good at. So, I feel like this is me doing something for him that I’ve never done before. It’s taking time, energy and my summer to do it…. But I guess that’s part of honoring the man that created half of me. It’s part of making sure his life, business and partner in life are ok when I leave.

It’s also helping my relationship with myself. I struggle with this too. I’m not as close to myself as I should be. I’m not always good at pointing out my own flaws and working through them… it’s much simpler to point the finger at others. But now… well now I’m expecting myself to finish. To finish well and finish strong. And more importantly to do what I said I am going to do and not be a dud. To truly honor my father the best way I know how.

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