death · grief · vulnerability



For the last few days I’ve been thinking about how wonderful life is… how good it is to live and be alive. Honestly, death sucks… but there is still so much life after death. Mom and I keep having conversations where she questions, “Why dad? Why him? Why couldn’t it have been someone else? Why do we have to go through this?” And I never have an answer for her… or at least not the one that she wants. And I’m not asking why… I feel like I have answers and I’m at peace with those answers.

So maybe that’s why I continue to find silver linings within a situation that most would consider horrible. I honestly continue to tell mom, “it’s going to be alright. So much life is ahead for all of us.” And yes… it sucks to move forward without dad, but I’m learning that moving forward is part of death. If we don’t move forward, what kind of life are we actually living?

I believe my dad would want and expect all three of us to move forward. And that could mean so many different things for all of us. For mom it could mean getting remarried… and I’m ok with that. I feel like dad would want and encourage her to marry again because she is young. Mom has half of her life left to live, and I don’t think she should spend it alone at all. I believe deep down that there’s so much in store for her. Anything could happen. And that makes me happy.

It also excites me to just know and feel that so much is ahead. I feel like if dad could tell me something right now… he would tell me to live. Continue to live without him here because in living he is here. He’s a part of who I am. He’s half of me because he created me… so just choosing to live is a blessing for him. Moving forward is a part of life, and dad knew more than anyone that I loved to move forward and tackle the next challenge in front of me.

And it might seem strange, but death is beautiful to me. It’s beautiful because life still goes on when someone is gone or something is over. The world didn’t end when dad died. The sun is still shining and people are still working. Death is beautiful because it symbolizes new life for all of us… especially mom. It might suck at first to begin again, but it’s new life… and I believe we should all hope for new life throughout the course of our life. Because with new life we have the opportunity to start over, grow and mature. We have the ability to be so heartbroken, saddened and hurt with death and then pick ourselves up and begin again. Begin again and amaze ourselves with our journey. Begin again with the idea and great hope that something good is right around the corner.. but we just have to move forward and wait while we are moving.

And sometimes it might seem like I live in a rose colored world, with too much optimism… but in truth, I’m learning that the hard times make the good times. We can’t have the good all the time… because well then life would be boring, and what’s life without a little challenge and opposition to help us grow and mature. So… We need death. We need heartbreak. We need to be torn apart. So then, well then we can choose to pick ourselves up and live. Live so life can become beautiful again.

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