darkness · death · grief



Sometimes I feel like death is teaching me more than I wanted to learn. Like when I lay in bed at night and miss my dad. I just want him back. It’s strange… most of the things we want in this world we can have. I mean it may cost us but we can still have it. But with death…. well with death it’s not possible to have a person back. The soul and breathe have left and the body’s in the ground… so bringing them back is a task…. I’m sure it’s possible, but who really knows how to do that? And why on earth would God let anyone know how to do that?

Still, I miss him and I’m nervous leaving mom here alone. I don’t want her to get depressed. I want her to find something, anything to live for. I want her to move forward and take on life. She’s really capable of so much. And I know it’s going to be hard without dad here. I mean… he was in her life every single day. So his absence is more noticeable to her than it is to me.

I still think I’m in a state of shock though… a little disbelief. For most people, cancer is a long, drawn out process… for us, it was a month. One month after finding out, our world’s shook like never before. You know, my grandmother said God told her, “The girls will be alright when the earthquake happens.” She’s been telling me for months that we’d be ok. And it wasn’t until after the funeral that I realized… yeah we would be ok. She was looking for a physical earthquake to strike in Cali. What none of us saw coming was death…. which has surely shaken the ground for all of us. And when I told Bridge about this, she said, “Yeah, Amanda we will be alright. Even mom. I believe God included mom when he said the girls will be alright.”

So in this moment of fear for my mom, I have to believe she’s going to be alright. Depressions not going to set in and become a way of life for her. She’ll have moments, but I believe she’ll move forward. Last night, I tried my best to throw this challenge at her as a good thing. Because I believe when she looks back she’ll be able to say, “Wow, I did cancer. I did death. I did medical bills, construction bills, house hold bills and even the construction of a million dollar home. I did all of that. Wow.” And I think it will help her confidence grow tremendously.

Life is pretty amazing. I think if we all choose to look at the difficult times as blessings, great blessings it would help us all move forward in life. It would build our confidence and self-esteem. I don’t have very good confidence in me. I mean it’s grown tremendously, but it’s still weak. But in moments when it’s weak, I have to remind myself… “Hey Amanda, look how far you’ve come in life. You used to be the girl that was too afraid to enter a room because you feared what others thought. Now… well now that’s not even an issue.”

And those thoughts… they motivate me to enter fearful moments with great confidence in me. Confidence that I helped structure because they are built from my previous experiences… And I believe we all have these moments. We just have to look for them. Maybe finding confidence in self isn’t as challenging as we think… it’s simple. Just look into your past and find those moments when you’ve done things that you couldn’t do before… things that you impressed yourself in doing, and those things… those things should help you become more confident in you than ever before. I know they help me.

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