Body · darkness · death · vulnerability



It fascinates me how much we care about the physical… how much we care about the way we look, our clothes, cars, jobs and houses. It’s truly something else. Since dad’s been gone, we haven’t been to visit his gravesite at all… and honestly, I don’t plan on going at all. He’s not there. His body is there, which is still so strange, but he’s not there. Why in the world would I go visit something that’s not there? It would be like keeping the shell on an egg after you’ve used the egg. No one would do that… the shell is that useless and unimportant. It was here to protect the inside.

It’s the same with us. Dad’s spirit, mind and soul are gone… like his body is so useless and unimportant now that the life inside of it isn’t here anymore. And I’m having a hard time with him… his gifts and talents, jokes and annoyingness being gone. Especially while working on this house….

Dad planned how he wanted the house finished. And now that we have buyers they want to change so much… which is fine because it’s a custom house and dad would’ve worked with them and done what they wanted…. but I hate it. I hate that the last piece of art my dad created and envisioned is going to be changed for someone else. I’m being selfish because I want it finished the way he foresaw everything. I understand business is business… but I feel a little territorial over his work and creation.

But all of those things are gone now… Mom even said yesterday, “It’s true. Like it’s really true. You can’t take any of it with you. Dad’s shoes, his clothes, his office and garage are just like they were when he was here last.” And it’s true… it’s like his things are waiting on him to come home and use them again. They haven’t been used since he was here more than a month ago… and that’s strange too.

But I think in the big scheme of things this is teaching me how stupid it is to care so much about my body, my image and my things. Like it’s really stupid to place so much value and mental effort on things that hold no weight when we’re gone. Yeah, we have to take care of all of dad’s stuff now.. but he doesn’t have to think about them ever again. He didn’t even take the things we buried him in with him. Like he took absolutely nothing…. Only the blessings and things he collected in the spiritual… that’s all he has with him now. He doesn’t have to think about what he’s going to wear, who he’s going to see or how he might need to impress people. Now… well now he can just be himself… which he was most of the time.

But… well, I’m not always good at being me. And I do try to impress people by caring about the way I look or who I am going to see… So how amazing is it that he’s in a place now that it doesn’t matter at all anymore? Like he doesn’t have to care about the judgement of anyone… even his own. Why can’t we all live like that? Doing what we love, dressing the way we want, being who we are and not giving a shit about the thoughts of others? Why can’t we be a little more like Heaven on earth?

I know  should be and I’m trying to be more and more everyday… because it makes life better, easier and simpler to just be rather than try to fit a mold society has painted for us. Because at the end of the day, when it’s all said and done… it’s just stuff… and the stuff doesn’t make us how we are… we make us who we are and that stuff just fills our life.

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