I still don’t know how I feel… kind of in shock. Maybe it’ll hit me in 2 weeks when I’m back in Cali and need to pick up the phone and call dad… and then he won’t answer or I’ll realize it all at once.
I think it’s weird for me to think this is happening to my family too. I’m used to hearing about tragic news coming from the home of someone else, and feels sad for them… hoping for the best and trying my best to sympathize… But this, well this is different.
It’s personal and real. People are praying for our family and we are in their thoughts… that just doesn’t seem real. It doesn’t seem real to be in this much pain and need the support of others. I think I might be in denial. I don’t really know.
Should I be sad? Should I feel depressed? I have an attitude that says “I’m moving forward.” But I don’t know if that’s good or not. Is that even healthy?
Regardless, I know times are going to be hard and challenging. But… what’s ahead? What’s in store for me and my future? I’ve been thinking about that for the last few days. And it makes me sad because I could talk to dad about it all. We are so much a like and so he understood me when no one else did.
I just find myself questioning so much…. What will my next move be? Will it be more exciting and fun than the life I’m living in Cali now? And will I ever find something I’m good at? I struggle with that so much… not having anything I’m good at. It hurts me sometimes… I just want something. Something I can call mine and just be a part of… Even if I’m just a part of my own life. I struggle with being a part of my own life too…
With so much social media connection it’s so easy to get tangled up in the lives of others. It’s so easy to be so connected to others, yet so disconnected to self. And I think that’s where I’ve been lately. So connected to this situation and everyone that surrounds it. Watching the emotions of my mother, sister and grandparents. Making sure everyone is ok….
And in the midst I haven’t been thinking about me at all… but when I do I get scared.. Afraid of what’s next. Honestly, I have no clue at all. But that’s what if has been for me- a giant mystery, a puzzle for me to put together. I always think I have the pieces in the right place, but then realize they have to be flipped and turned different ways to fit the way they were designed.
I never thought dad wold die so young. Ever. So I feel like anything could happen. Absolutely anything. I’m not bound to the little city of Shreveport or the south or a marriage. I’m not weighed down with debit, a job or kids… and honestly, as great as that sounds to be so free… well it’s scary too because anything can happen in my life.
I used to think picking up and moving to BAMA was a big deal for me.. but after Cali… well I could fine myself living allover the US. I could find myself doing anything just for the curiosity of it all.
But tonight I keep wondering… Is freedom worth it? Or do I want to be in a small town, living like everyone else? Do I want to discover what I’m good at in Cali? Do I want to create dreams off of what I love and I’m good at? Because right now I want a family, but I want to live and travel and enjoy life.
So many thoughts and feelings swarm my mind… and I know my dad would just tell me to be happy. He always just wanted me to be happy… so I guess, as long as I can feel happiness surrounding me, well I’ll stay exactly where I am. Because I’m learning that it’s so much better to live a simple life and be happy versus being tied down to a job or marriage and hating life, wanting out so I could be free.
And right now, I am so free.