darkness · death · grief · vulnerability


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Dad, I wish you were here today. When I told you I would be home in July for your birthday, you discouraged it. You wanted me to travel and do other things. But I came home. I came home and watched you die. I came home and I’m helping mom. I came home and I’m helping finish your house…. no wonder you were always stressed out. This is overwhelming.

It sucks that you aren’t here today. Like it really sucks. But I am learning so much from you even know you’re gone. Right now, I am learning that the business you were in and the man you were… well a lot of team work makes a house a home.

You really understood the meaning of working together to make something work. Every time we call someone or work with someone I see the importance of the world working together for the greater good of others. In this situation, a family wants a home… and it’s our responsibility to make that a reality, but so many others have to help. It’s never just the builder.

And I appreciate this life lesson you’re teaching me. I’m sorry for saying that I feel like you couldn’t give me advice at times. Because now… well now you are teaching me some of the most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned.

You’re teaching me how to patient with mom… how to work as a team… how to be compassionate… how to love and not judge others so harshly… how to remain real and vulnerable about my thoughts and feelings… how to stay healthy and not get bitter… how to not fear money… but most importantly you are continuing to teach me how to live.

And I know it’s your birthday and I would usually be giving you a gift and showing you love… but well your death has given me so many gifts. Remember how I told you God promised to give me everything I needed? Well… he’s continuing to do that in your death. With something so terrible, I’m getting blessed abundantly… and it’s beautiful.

So, though you aren’t here. I do thank you for teaching me these things in your death and especially on your birthday. I’ll use these gifts to the best of my ability in life and try to pass them around to others.

And though this nightmare feels dark, I can see light around me and it’s reassuring. Like I’m excited, and I know you are excited too. I love you so much dad, and I’ll always be daddy’s girl.

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