New Fears

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I cried myself to sleep last night. I know everything is going to be ok… but I’m starting to worry a little. Actually a lot. I know things are going to change and it’s been ok, but now that the reality of change is starting to come into perspective… well I’m afraid. And I really don’t like it.

I don’t like it because I just want dad back. Even thinking about him last night and how fast this happened made me sad. Last summer he was helping move home from Tuscaloosa. Last summer we were looking at a file of pictures and letters from his birthmother that I’d never seen before.  Last summer he was so excited for me and where I was going next and what I was going to do…. Now well now he’s not here and it just doesn’t seem fair.

Even if we’d known about the cancer last summer the chances of saving his life were probably slim and grim. But it still would’ve been nice to know and try… try with everything in us. Try to rectify relationships sooner and see a miracle. Try and make something, anything happen other than death.

But that didn’t happen. Life played out in a completely different way and now here we are. Here we are with mom, who will be alone in 2 weeks. And I’m scared. I’m scared to leave her here in this big house and venture back to L.A. I’m scared for her to be left with this giant mess while I go live life and move forward.

Everyone keeps telling me it’s time to go live my life. To return to my reality and I feel like that’s so cruel right now.. to leave mom here, all alone with so much on her shoulders. I’m going to venture back to the West Coast, but these feelings I have are so strong.

And at the same time, I am more than ready to go. I’m tired of dealing with this nightmare. I’m ready to return to the life of a 25 year old and just continue to live and discover what’s next… and not have to deal with some many responsibilities.

I guess there is just so much going on inside of me right now. And I don’t know what to do with all of it. It’s times like these when you come to a cross road and just have to move forward with the pain, fear and unknown… Move forward and decide that better days are ahead. That mom will be ok and that she will learn to live alone. Maybe not forever, but for right now.

And though it feels weird and foreign and unknown maybe it will make me a kinder, more understanding person in the future. Hopefully this will help me become more compassionate and loving…. Just wanting to reach out and make the world around me a better place one moment at a time.

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