Today I’ve really taken time to think about what I’m learning… and I’ve come to the conclusion that everything that’s truly valuable to me in life…. well, it’s cost me something.
When I’ve wanted confidence, it cost me my insecurities. The want for confidence asked me to do things that I deeply feared. Like just speaking up and learning to not care what others thought so much… or having the confidence to wear a two-piece, flawed/scared body and all.
And then when I wanted free from religion and control, it cost me religion and some relationships. The want for freedom asked me to question my foundation, the way I was raised and what I believed in. It forced me to really wrestle with major topics that aren’t that fun to think through…. especially if that’s all you know and you’re afraid to think otherwise. And in that want for freedom, well I became free and learned that people are entitled to believe and think the way they want.
Of course… my want to see a city changed cost my time, energy and mind… and in the grand scheme of things the life of my father. And that want for change, well I know it still feels fresh and hard to think about… but deep down I know it was worth it. It was worth spending all of that time and energy and…. as heartless as it might sound, but as real as it is… is was worth the life of my dad to see relationships restored and change.
And things continue to flood my mind…. things that I’ve paid for that’ve cost me a lot. And they never cost me money ever. But I care so much about money…. or worry so much about not having it. So it’s strange that I’m willing to have a want to do things that seem so crazy in the moment, but I don’t have the want to pay for things with money.
I mean, I’d watch my whole family die if it meant the world would come together in love, peace and harmony. Yeah, it would be painful and hard…. but I’d pay for it.
And I guess I’m realizing more and more that the world we live in is so strange. Because we care more about upgrading our phones, cars, houses and wardrobes than about upgrading who we are as a person. We care more about what watch we are wearing and how big our engagement rings are more than the amount of confidence that we carry around and display. We also care more about how good we look when we do finally become a success and the amount of money we have, rather than the amount of confidence, love and genuine compassion we have.
Of course, I’m equally guilty of caring. I’m equally guilty of wanting to fit societies pictures of “right and wrong” and what I “should and shouldn’t” have… but what if at the end of the day we looked at the amount of compassion we extended to others in their time of need and how much we’ve grown? Or what if we looked at the amount of confidence we use when we feel afraid and little? What if at the end of every year we took account for the things we gained that have made us a better person, a better lover of the world and things in the world?
How amazing would it be? I think and feel like it would be pretty great because we’d no longer be focused on money and the things money buys us.
My sister is pretty phenomenal. She doesn’t care about money. To her, it’s just a thing she gains for the work she does. To her she’d rather give away art and her time for nothing, than make a profit. Because in her mind, giving it away is making a profit because she is blessing someone.
And I think that’s beautiful. I think it’s beautiful to look at the invaluable things in life and take them for all they are worth. Because… at the end of the day, everything that means something to me in life…. well, it never cost me a cent.