darkness · death · grateful · grief · pain



The absence of my father hits me in the strangest ways. Like yesterday when LeBron decided to return to Cleveland. I was in the gym when the news broke and all I wanted to do was tell dad… and then I realized, “Oh no. Oh no that’s not possible.” And it hurt for a moment. It hurt really bad because there wasn’t anyone to share that moment with.

Later Bridge asked me if I heard the news and I instantly started talking about it and included all of the details surrounding the Kings “return…. but it wasn’t the same. And then mom walked in the room and I told her about it… Her response, “oh that’s cool.” Which hurt. It didn’t hurt that she didn’t really care… It hurt to truly realize that life without dad sucks.

All I could think in those moments was that I’ll have so many more disappointing like that one. So many more moments when I want to talk to dad about sports and he won’t be here…. Even this morning I cried while watching more coverage of the big return. It just hurts that bad to know he’s gone forever.

And I don’t know when that will get easier… or if it will ever get easier to live with the fact that dad’s not here to talk sports with me anymore.

I do know that I’m grateful though… grateful that he taught me so much and we were able to share a bond like that. And maybe this experience is teaching me how to be a little more grateful for the people in my life… to find things I like about them, rather than the things I don’t.

In the past, I’ve been the queen of criticism. I mean, I can tell you about problems all day long and why “so and so” is this way or that way. I can also use my dramatic attitude to focus on the problem… which makes me even more critical of the person, always looking for their flaws.

And, who wants to be associated with someone like that? Not me. I would never want to be friends with me at all. But maybe looking at the situation that way will cause me to want to be friends with myself a little bit more. To actually associate with me on a regular basis and find the good things in me that I like, the qualities that might be good.

Maybe having that kind of attitude will help me love myself more and in return love others more.

Though I’ve come a long way with my insecurities, sometimes they get the best of me and bring my criticism to full boil. And, in those moments I’m ugly to everyone. But it doesn’t have to be that way. And I’d feel a lot better about myself it I just learned to love me. All of me.

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