darkness · death · fear · grief · pain · vulnerability



I’ve been told that with time it gets easier… And I’m starting to believe that’s true.

I feel like the freshness of dad’s death is wearing off. Almost like scraping your knee…. the bleeding has stopped and now there’s a giant scab with a bandaid on top…. And I don’t know how long that bandaid will be there.

It could be there for a really long time. It could take months to heal… and even when it’s done healing, I know it will leave a scar. A scar that will always remind me that dad’s not here. And even on holidays that scar will be there, maybe that’s when the pain will be the most visible.

But until major holidays do roll around, I’ve begun to wonder… what do I do with myself next with this whole grief thing? I know I continue to live and I feel like I’m so full of life… but where do I go with grief next? Does it handle me or do I handle it? Am I supposed to go searching for it, or will it find me in strange moments? And what’s the best way to handle those moments?

I feel like I could be distracted by life a little…. but maybe I’m just living. I really don’t know. I’ve also been told that everyone handles grief differently, so I should just go with it.

I think most importantly, I don’t want to rob myself of grief. I don’t want to neglect anger, denial, depression, and the rest of the emotions that follow grief…. instead I want fully embrace them and live in each stage of them. Since grief is part of life and they are part of grief, I think it’s only fair to respect the emotions I feel right now.

But what if I’m disrespecting them by not being sad enough or angry enough? What if I’m ignoring the entire fact that dad is dead? Then again, what if I’m handling this like a champ?…. And completely owning the situation by feeling everything when it does hit me?

Whatever the answer may be, I’m still grateful to have this experience. Someone mentioned that they can’t wait for us to look back in 20 years and see what came out of this awful situation… how we grew and what occurred that wouldn’t have occurred if dad was present.

I feel like so much will happen. I actually feel this new sense of confidence in myself and what I’m doing in life… and I have no clue what that is yet.

But regardless of what it is, I feel like I can face it because life is so short and why on earth would I waste so much time being afraid, insecure and out of touch with reality? Honestly, it’s stupid.

Even when I have body image issues now, I think, “Amanda this is so dumb. You are wasting life away, and you’re being incredibly selfish.” Because there are so many better, more life building things I could be doing with my time and thoughts than hating the body I live in or comparing myself to others (and I do this a lot).

So…. as this glorious day comes to an end, I guess it’s important for me to realize that deep down I am grieving… it may be in an unfamiliar stage but it’s there and I guess I’ll just love with it and respect it all as it comes.

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