darkness · death · grief · vulnerability

Breakdown v Breakthrough


I went into dad’s closet this morning to get a sweatshirt (apparently Shreveport’s decided to be in the 70s in July)…. and after I got the sweatshirt, I found myself hugging his hanging shirts because of the smell.. It was like hugging my dad, but then it wasn’t.

It was a strange moment…. a moment that helped me and hurt me all at once. It reminded me that he’s really gone, that he really died… that this really happened. It’s not a dream. It’s still my tough reality…. and it still sucks.

Why do some moments have to be harder than others? I feel like the last 5 days have slowly led up to this overwhelming moment. This moment where I want to disconnect from everything and everyone around me because I’m sad, hurt and because well…. I’m scared to death of what’s next.

Yes, I’ve been optimistic about all of it… stating how it’s time to live in the moment and live life to the fullest… to stop judging and being so mean to myself… and just before I get to a place of doing all of these things…. I have a breakdown.

A giant overwhelming breakdown that seems like it will never end…. like I’ll never be able to pick myself up again.

Of course, I’m super dramatic and it’s really not that big of a deal… but I do feel overwhelmed with life right now. And I do know myself well enough to see that right before the next phase of my life falls into place and plays out smoothly, I have a giant breakdown.

Maybe it’s really a breakthrough. It feels like I’m climbing to the top of a mountain and I feel like I’ll never reach the top. I get tired and weighed down and I’m afraid of what’s at the top… what it’s going to look like and feel like up there. What if I hate it? What if it’s terrible? What if I’ve allowed my imagination to run wild while journeying upward and then I get disappointed at the top? Then what? Then what will I do and where will I go from there?

But… what if it’s great once I reach the top? What if all the worrying, panicking and overwhelming feelings were for nothing? And what if my mind is blown and I’m so happy?

And that’s when I have to remind myself that I just don’t know. I don’t know what the top is going to be like. I don’t know how this mountain top will differ from others. I don’t know if I’ll be happy there or if I’ll live in it.

It’s really all up to me and my decision to continue to climb to the top. To climb to the top without getting weighed down with negativity and worries. Because those thoughts….. well they won’t help at all.

In my case, when I feel like this…. I tend to start looking at all of the things I dislike about me. I tend to pick on myself very harshly and compare my past to my present and future. I tend to start telling myself I’m not good enough. It’s a real defining moment for me. Because at the end of it… I am left with the decision to keep playing games on myself or become positive and fight my way to my mountain top.

And I can jump all around it…. but when I feel this overwhelmed, I start to overeat. I’ll eat junk food until I’m sick and then feel disgusting and want to die…. I told you I’m dramatic.

So I’ve been doing this for about 5 days now… 5 days of fear of what’s ahead, anxiety of how the next 6 months of life might play out, and worry that I might be so happy that I never want to come home again.

And now that I’m here…. so close to the top of this new mountain top, it’s my choice. Will I continue to breakdown? Or will I breakthrough? Will I breakthrough and become the champion of my own life? And will I overcome these thoughts that are so pressing on me right now?

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