death · grief · soul

Fitting in With Self


Life’s situations have a funny way of leading us to what we love…. of course that’s only if we’re open enough to let them.

In the midst of having a breakdown that led me to a breakthrough yesterday, I realized that I was depressed because I’m ready to leave. I’m actually not depressed with dad’s death, but with the idea that life is moving on without me and I’m sitting here in Shreveport.

Don’t get me wrong…. Shreveport is home and it will always be that… at least I think it will….. but I’m tired of being here and I can’t wait for Tuesday to be here so I can drive 30 hours back to Cali.

This past week I’ve been doing what I shouldn’t do, which is living in Cali from my mind…. and that hasn’t done much good. It’s just made me depressed and very irritated and a little bit mean to those I love.

So… now that I know why I feel depressed…. I think it’s important for me to recognize that I’m growing. I’m ready to move forward with whatever life decides to serve up next.

And… yes, I am scared of what life will serve next because it could be absolutely anything. Plus, I don’t know what I want in life at all. I do know certain things, but overall…. I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up.

And where do we even get that phrase from anyway? Why do we all feel so much pressure to have answers to life… and a few plans if those answers don’t play out correctly? And why is there so much want to conform to a society that doesn’t even promise happiness anymore?

Sometimes… and I really should do it more often… but sometimes I’m grateful that I’m not married with kids because if I was, I’d probably miserable. I’d probably be annoyed with the fact that any money I have has to go towards bills and feeding children. And I’d be even more annoyed with the fact that my time would be consumed with fitting the social norms of business parties, kid parties and daily chores.

And don’t get me wrong, I want marriage and a family…. but I think I’m learning when I do have those things… well, fitting the social norm may not be what I want.

Because I’m so tried of the guidelines we’ve created and continue to follow. I’m so tired of thinking, “Another wedding. Another time to celebrate. Another time for my friends to throw a big, expensive party for their friends.” Because that’s genuinely what a wedding has become. It’s not so much about marriage anymore. It’s more about outdoing everyone else.

I mean, I hear more about weddings than marriage… and honestly, I’ve been subconsciously taught more about weddings than marriage. Funny that I’m so educated and well-versed on a subject that will last a day, but not on something that’s meant to last me until the day I die.

And I’m not in any way trying to bash weddings… I’m more or less giving my opinion… the way I see life through the pair of eyes I’ve been given.

And…. when I do get married one day, I might have a giant party for my peers. But right now, well right now that’s not what I want but people change…. and parties are fun. And I do like to be the center of attention when I can be.

But since weddings have caused me to think about society’s picture for humanity…. I think it’s best to take these thoughts and channel them towards life after the breakthrough I had last night.

So…. what if my life continues to play out differently than I ever imagined? And how will I continue to avoid all of these things we are supposed to check off life’s to do list? Also, is it more of a headache to try to not conform? I mean, we’ve made it pretty easy to conform today… all we have to do is have some type of electronic device in our hand and conversion should be pretty complete.

Then again, I guess I could just follow the man that helped create me. He never really cared too much about fitting in. Dad was more a “come as you are” kind of guy. He really didn’t care. He was going to live life comfortably without being comfortable. Basically…. he was comfortable in his own skin, but he was willing to try new things.

And I guess…. once again… I should strive to be a little bit more like my dad, fitting in with myself first and then letting the rest fall into place.

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