After living through yesterday’s drama…. I know for a fact that I am a terrible human being… if only I felt that way.
Two months ago I stood in the hospital and watched my father take his last few breathes of life. That’s still a strange moment and I don’t know what to do with it, where to store it or what to actually make of it all…. and there was nothing I could do to bring him back to life. Nothing at all. It was him time.
But yesterday…. well, yesterday was a little different.
Bridge woke up and went to sit at the kitchen counter top. Then I hear a noise like she tripped or something…. when I turn to laugh at her, her head is caught between the arm of the high-top kitchen chair and the granite…. and she’s turning blue.
Mom and I jumped off the couch and ran into the kitchen…. Mom moved the chair and then we both gave her CPR. Yes, she did go to the ER… Yes, she is ok….. Yes, she did have a panic attack and passed out.
The crazy thing in all of it is it was so dramatic. It wasn’t normal passing out. If mom and I hadn’t been in there, she could’ve died. And….. honestly, that would’ve been ok.
I had a friend tell me once that my jealousy towards my sister is so dark and deeply rooted that if she died it really wouldn’t affect me…. and that’s true. Because as close as we are and as good of friends as we are… well, I harbor a lot of jealousy towards her.
And I honestly thought it had gotten better… and maybe it has. But when she almost died yesterday I literal thought later, “she could’ve died.” And I didn’t let the thoughts go any further. I was the one over her, giving chest compressions… so part of me does want her alive… but deep dark parts of me think otherwise.
And, yes this is terrible. But honestly I don’t feel terrible. And I wouldn’t have told anyone… but someone asked me so I had to be honest. And I know it hurt my sister t hear that… but it’s how I genuinely feel.
I guess I say all of this because I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be like this at all. I don’t want to harbor jealousy towards my sister…. but I do. I do because I don’t see or find any value within myself at all. Like, it’s not there.
Most of the time I believe I’m not good at anything, because I’m not. I look at my sister and see how much she’s been given and it hurts me.
Of course I think I tune out most of it today…. like it’s just expected that she can and will do anything and everything.
And I think the only way I can get out of feeling this deep jealousy that is so real and apparent is to learn how to value myself…. all of myself. Maybe then I won’t be so critical and hard on me all the time…. but then I wonder what there is to even value about me at all.
I don’t have anything worth value and I haven’t done anything good. I’m just Amanda. I’m bossy and lame and annoying…. or so I’ve been told. And it doesn’t matter how many times people tell me otherwise…. well I know it’s not true because I don’t see anything within me worth having…. like at all.
And most of the time I play it off and cover up the way I’m feeling with conversation and life…. but deep down, it’s how I feel. And honestly, I don’t want anyone’s sympathy. And I’m tired of people telling me otherwise…. because it doesn’t matter how many times people tell me what they see…. because… I’m blind to the truth.
And giving a blind man sight… well it doesn’t just happen at once. I believe it takes time…. time to recognize whatever truth is there.
Even saying this causes me to question…. but dad always saw the value in me. Like all the time…. and honestly, I think he was just being a father… I mean isn’t it his job to tell me I’m special and that he sees so much potential inside of me? So much I can do… and that I astound him by the things I’ve done in life? That’s what dad’s are supposed to do right?….To be proud of their kids and want the best for them?
I said that to Bridge last night and she disagreed…. she said she didn’t think it was his job, but more what he truly saw and enjoyed doing… So I’m left in a bunch of confusion. Confusion that I need to make clarity of. Because….. either I’m blind, very very blind or I truly do have value.