darkness · death · grief · vulnerability

Life’s a Blessing

20140722-160347-57827484.jpg5 am… 5 am came this morning and I just laid in my bed. I laid in my bed halfway dreading the fact that I was going to have to tell my momma goodbye.

The past two months have been so life altering…. And I hated the idea of leaving my mom. Alone. Alone without dad.

And when I went into mom and dads bedroom to see if she and Bridge were awake, I crawled in the bed and thoughts flooded my mind. I’ll I could think was, “this really happened. This isn’t a nightmare. Dad really died and we are about to travel 1,700 miles across the country. I don’t want to leave.”

Everything that’s happened was playing in my mind so vividly….. And then I started crying thinking about how dad wouldn’t be there to tell me goodbye.

Every time I’ve ever left to return to college, dad has cried…. He’s cried so much and …. Well this time I was crying because he wasn’t there to cry because I was leaving. And then it made me cry even more thinking about how when I leave moms life won’t go back to normal. It won’t move forward like it used to. She will be home alone. And I hate that.

I absolutely hate that she has to completely start over and create a new life. It hurts so much. This pain, it never leaves. It’s always there. It’s easy to bury with life…. But it’s always there. A constant reminder of how real life can be and how disappointing life will be without dad.

And yes it’s teaching me so much, but damn…. Why does the absence of a person hurt so much? Maybe it’s not like this for everyone….. But dad was so intricate to my life. I feel like I’ve lost the most important person in my life. The person I was most dependent on. I feel orphaned and like I’m lacking something huge.

In a matter of moments I became fatherless and mom became a single widow…. What the heck? It’s still so fresh and I need my father so much.

But what’s ahead? I have no idea. Even riding in the car right now gives me the chance to think deeply about life. My life. The life of others. Just life.

And life truly is such a journey. And I feel so blessed to be where I am. The fact that I get to travel across the country (again), in the same year…. and my destination is Cali. That’s really cool. Plus this time my sister is along for the ride.

I feel like I’m so critical of myself at times that I forget how blessed I am…. How many opportunities I’ve had and the places I’ve gone… My story continues to evolve and it’s really cool.

It kind of makes me sad for people who are trapped, hating life… Hating life and wanting a way out…. Or worse, those who are comfortable and don’t realize they could be doing so much more with life.

Life isn’t about comfort zones. Comfort zones don’t get you anywhere in life. We don’t grow in them. We stay trapped in routine, doing what others are doing… And worse we never reach our full potential.

And I think I say all of this because I’m speaking to myself. Now that I’ve truly lost the person that meant the most to me, well…. I’ll be a little less eager to stay in my comfort zones and a much more proactive in moving into whatever destiny is out there for me.

Yes…. I’ll make mistakes. Yes… I’ll take chances and be disappointed… But at least I’ll be living and trying new things and pushing the limits in this world… Using life to my advantages and playing all the cards it offers me.

Because I think life respects us when we respect it by living in it and gaining all we can… Just being in moments as much as we can and syphoning it for everything it’s worth. Because it is short…. And when it’s over…. It’s over.

I guess…. Well I guess life is a blessing.

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