I’m back…. back in the City of Angels…. and for some reason I’m not extremely happy to be here. I feel sad and a little angry. As exciting as it is to be back in an amazing city, full of endless possibilities and multiple opportunities… I feel hurt and down.
Now… a lot of it could have to do with the fact that we drove straight through and I’m tired…. but the rest of me feels disappointed. Because the first thing I thought to do when we pulled up was message dad and tell him “we’re back”…… but then I quickly realized that wasn’t possible and it dragged my whole demeanor down.
I’m sure this whole grieving thing is about to take on a different form from L.A….. and it scares me some, because I don’t know how I will act and react to the life situations I’m placed in without dad around. I may be fine and I may be a total wreck. It’s really all kind of a mystery.
And I’m trying to stay clear-minded about the entire thing…. making myself accountable by writing and working my way through things when I feel a certain way or think certain thoughts… but this is all still to surreal… like some of me thinks, “this can’t be happening.”
We were supposed to go home to help him get better, not watch him die. We were supposed to only be there a short amount of time because we excepted him to rally, but instead all he needed was to see us so he could die peacefully…. and I hate that. I hate that I as so unaware and unprepared for death… and that it entered my life in such a strong way.
Now, I have to think about the fact that mom is alone. She is in Shreveport, 1,700 miles away moving through life’s real moments and I’m back in L.A. moving forward with my life….. which I have no clue where it’s taking me. Sometimes I think that at any given moment I could discover the greatest opportunity ever and then feel somewhat guilty for pursuing it when so much tragedy is surrounding my family.
So, how do I move forward? Do I live each day… feeling all of this current anger and sadness? And, where do I channel it? How do allow it live with me, but not become a part of my being? I want to respect it because I believe it’s a part of grief… but I don’t want it to become a state of mind and a lifestyle.
Somewhere in the midst of things…. I want to feel peace, love and overwhelming joy in knowing that this is life and these are the cards I’ve been dealt and now it’s my choice to play them wisely…. very wisely. Because I don’t know where my choice of actions and reactions will take me.
The Lord asked me some questions journeying back to Cali and I asked him questions in return…. and each one kind of ended with the understanding that my attitude and behavior in life are going to determine the outcome… because if I’m graced with certain opportunities, I have to be able to recognize them in the moment and not allow my current state of grief get in the way.
And I guess I kind of fear that… I fear that grief might prevent me from opportunities and moments in life that might be life altering…. that I might be afraid when presented with certain things, so I choose to stay in my precious little comfort zone until the entire moment has passed me by.
But then I guess it’s my responsibility to not talk my way out of things (which I’m good at) and just embrace what’s in front of me…. regardless of how I might be feeling. I mean, I feel like any disappointment that follows an opportunity from here on out cannot touch the feeling of disappointment that hits me every time I think about dad.
So…. I guess I’ll just try. Try and live and have a positive attitude because I never know what kind of opportunity awaits me.