This city is so big… so full of energy and life… and I find myself in a completely different world living here. I even feel a different kind of intimidation in a way.
Last night I felt intimidated and I don’t even know why. I felt so small… well I am so small. And it’s a good thing that I feel small and that I’m reminded constantly that I’m just another human being, but at the same time I felt intimidated.
But then I found myself telling myself that there’s not reason to fear…. No reason to be afraid and intimidated. I walked a way from my life in January to come here and create a new life… so I’ve lost myself. And now I’ve lost the person that meant the most to me in life…. so why should I be intimidated by anything? Why should I allow people to make me feel interior? I have nothing to loose.
You see I’ve already lost the most important things to me…. myself and my dad… so being rejected by a group of people shouldn’t make me feel like I’ve lost anything else at all. If anything, loosing these things causes me to want to try harder and strive for more.
I honestly don’t know where I’m going out here. I don’t have a focus… other than to become myself and find value in me….. which is a lot.
I guess I feel like I should be wanting more… Focused on more and needing to have better. The world we live in has kind of fooled my mind and told me it’s not enough to not want to chase money signs and my dreams….. Which I don’t even know what my dreams are anymore. I’d like to just figure out who I am. To me that is a success right now.
Because so many of us walk around wearing a mask…. pretending to be people we really aren’t…. pretending that we love things that we really don’t… and wanting to copy what we see around us. But…. if it’s not true to us, if it’s not part of our being, and if we feel better for fitting the mold… then why do it? Why pretend and why try so hard to fit in?
Is it better to live a life surrounded by things and people that aren’t genuine to us and who we are? Or is it better to live a life searching for things and people who are genuine to us and match up with our identity?
And I know what the answer is…. because at the end of the day it’s better to live life true to self… I mean life is so short. It’s over so fast and I want to make the most of it…. But there are always questions…. questions that cause me to wonder if I am messing up… if I am making a mistake.
Then again, mistakes are healthy. They help us grow and shouldn’t be feared, but it is nice to make wise decisions so we don’t have to live through a mistake. But then how would we ever truly learn.
So I guess right now…. a long with feeling the loss of my father so deeply… I am also feeling this need to just find me. All of me. Because if I don’t have that at the end of the day… then really, what else is there?