death · grief · vulnerability

Lacking Fullness


Since dad’s death, Bridge has mentioned that her life has always been pretty perfect…. pretty perfect until now…. and after hearing her say it three times, I finally started thinking it through.

What she says is true. We’ve never experienced a true tragedy and anytime life has been bumpy, the road has become smooth quickly and I’ve gone back to life in Amanda’s little world….. whining and complaining about a bunch of nonsense and having first world problems.

But now… now things are a little different because life happened and we have to live with the consequences. So in a sense… life isn’t perfect anymore… but more than anything, life isn’t full.

Because that’s what I define perfect as. My life has never been flawless. It has so many rough edges and I’m not a good person all the time… but my life has been whole and complete and full.

And now…. well now that not true. My life is not longer full. It’s lacking. Lacking a father. A mentor and a guide.

And yes…. yes I know God is there for me and he will be my father and there are several men in my life that I can go to for advice… but honestly it’s not the same. God is as intangible as my father is now… and maybe I can feel God and my father’s tangibility through others… but it’s still not the same.

At the end of the day, I’m lacking, incomplete and my glass fills empty. And I don’t know how it will ever be full again. This isn’t like the loss of a relationship or friendship. This is the death of my father. And as much as I’d like life to fill in the holes… well…. I don’t know how it will.

What will help make up for this absence? I know no one will ever replace dad… but will I always feel like I’m lacking something? Will I ever feel full of life again? And if I do, how will it happen?

I’m sure life can become full again in so many different ways… and I’m not at all denying the fact that my entire family is extremely blessed… but we feel a giant hole now.. we are lacking a huge chunk of life… and his name was Chris Winder.

I don’t think I ever realized how full my life was until I lost him. I’ve always had grandparents and parents that love, care for and adore me… and now I don’t have dad. He probably admired and adored me more than anyone in my life.

And I think that lack of admiration and adoration makes me feel a little empty and like someone robbed me…. like they stole the centerpiece of my life…. and there’s no way to get him back.

Now…. well now I do wonder how dad would encourage me to fill this hole. What would he advise me to do? I just don’t know. I do believe that my search for a partner in life will become more of a need now and not a want… because honestly, I need someone to fill dad’s place. No replace him, but fill that place of admiration and adoration.

And at the same time… I feel like a real jerk kind of because my life has been so full… it’s been so full and I didn’t appreciate it when it was… I didn’t appreciate it and there are others who would have loved to have the fullness that I’ve experienced.

So… maybe it’s a learning curve again… and maybe one day I’ll be full of life again. Hopefully my heart will be so full… so full but I know it will always have a scar that reminds me that it was once drained of life…. It was once broken and needed to be mended and that brokenness was so bad and the pain was so deep that the scar is apparent and I’ll never be able to forget it.

But until I am full again…. I’ll live with the brokenness and learn from it.


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