I don’t know what I’ve been feeling for the past few days. I feel like I’m feeling so much, but I’m kind of ignoring it all…. trying to get settled in and readjusted to life on the West Coast.
And don’t get me wrong… I absolutely love it out here… but I feel like I’m forgetting that dad’s even dead. Like it doesn’t cross my mind in the way that I think it should…. which leads me to believe I’m in denial of the entire situation, not knowing what to do with all of it.
I told my sister yesterday that I don’t know what to do with any of it. Life is moving forward but that situation is still real and alive… and I know deep down I’m grieving…. but what am I supposed to do? Walk around dwelling on it all day? Cry just to cry? For the dramatics of it all?
None of those options feel right and healthy. I did have my moment yesterday when I was leaving work. I wanted to call dad to tell him all about it and so I decided I would call his cell and just leave a message…. But then my mom answered… which I figured she would and I wanted to talk to her, but parts of me wanted to just pretend like dad was there in leaving a voicemail. And then a song came on the radio and I lost it.
Then of course comforting my sister and mom seem to be the hardest because there is absolutely nothing I can do to make the situation better. I hate hearing my sister say things like, “we had so many plans. He was going to be my date to the Oscars. He was supposed to be here for me and see everything we’ve both worked for happen.”
And then she followed it with what I feel too… that it doesn’t matter when people says “he’ll be there in spirit.” It’s just not the same at all. It’s really not the same. I don’t ever feel dad around…. ever. Like I wish with all of my heart I could, and maybe one day I will…. but right now I don’t.
But… I do think life continues to move forward and develops into much greater things. I believe with everything in me that I’ll look back in several years and see how this all fits together and how the death of my father really, truly propelled me into my future and my destiny.
I know a lot of times life seems to suck… we don’t get to do the things we want. We get disappointed. We are confused and out of focus with life. We can’t see the big picture and it’s frustrating. We just know that certain things can and are preparing us for our future… and if you’re like me, you’re hoping that that future is exactly what you want deep down…. even if you can’t give a detailed description of it.
And I say all of this because I think… a long with feeling grateful and overwhelmingly blessed… I’m also feeling this need to make sure I stay focused on what I want. Because in the long run I will be so happy I did just that.