darkness · death · grief

Missing the Moment


I had a solid moment of regret yesterday….. regret followed by pain and tears.

I regretted not telling dad goodbye when he was alert and able to talk to me.

But was there even a moment? Yes, yes…. unfortunately there was a moment. A solid moment in time…. I was given a solid moment to a conversation with my dad before he passed…. and I didn’t take it.

The opportunity was right there in front of me and I let it slip by because I was so certain a miracle would happen…. or at least that I’d have more time with him.

That moment occurred when the doctor came in to tell him they were about to fill him with morphine to relieve the pain so that sickness wouldn’t fell so painful…. so that he could die peacefully…… and I was the only one in the room with him….. I was the only one that watched the doctor cry and watched my dad say, “it’s ok Doc. I know where I’m going and I’ll be fine.”

I just sat there and shook my head… “no dad. no you are going to live because a miracle is going to happen.”

In that moment, I missed my opportunity to tell the person I love more than anyone goodbye….. I can’t believe I missed it.

And it’s not one of those opportunities you get again. Once it’s happened…. it’s happened. Death is final. He’s gone.

Just because I watched him take his last few breathes…. well that means so much that we were all there, but it really doesn’t mean what I need right now.

Because there wasn’t a conversation between the two of us. There wasn’t any kind of speech or expression of how much he means to me and how much I love him and would miss him.

In so many ways…. I wonder why I had to believe so much. I mean, I’ve seen it all of my life…. healing. But, why couldn’t I just be the logical Amanda I’m so good at? Why… in those moments did I have to believe and have faith like a child?

And maybe if I hadn’t had faith I’d be questioning, why didn’t I believe enough? So either way I’d feel regret. But it still would’ve been so nice to tell him I loved him and that I would carry on in life without him…. and I honestly believe and know he knew all of these things…. but closure would’ve been so nice.

And obviously this is bothering me on a subconscious level because I had a dream last night he came back to life and I was asking him all kinds of questions…. things about him passing… if he remembered them…. and if he knew that we had finished his house…. and if he knew what was going on.

But at the end of the dream he was gone again…. so maybe there’s a way to tell him goodbye now… within my dreams. Maybe I do have another opportunity and a second chance to say what I feel and just hug him one more time.

Because that would be so nice and so refreshing and maybe I would be a little settled on the inside knowing that I’ve given him a final goodbye.

I didn’t feel peace when I woke up… just confusion… so I know I didn’t really use the dream to it’s full potential. Hopefully I’ll have another one soon.

But until then…. until then I’m going to continue to learn to become aware of what opportunity is within the moment I’m presently living in….. because…. honestly, I don’t want to miss out on another real, life altering moment like that one again.

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