For the past few days I’ve been having these thoughts….. and at first I thought “Amanda you’re in shock. You’re not handling this death thing well.”
But now I think my thoughts my be more real than I even realize.
I’ve been thinking life…. us…. what we see…. that it’s all just an illusion.
Because I feel like I’m on autopilot all the time. When we step back from our small, stressed or blessed little worlds…. there’s so much around us…. so much that consumes us.
I’ve heard it said that looking at the stars should humble us because it causes us to remember how small and insignificant we are… how life is over in such a short amount of time… I mean really we are here for a brief moment in history and then fall into the ranks with every other soul.
And I can’t describe these thoughts in words really…. other than using the word illusion. I kind of feel like we were created out of God’s imagination…. or like we are part of God’s imagination…. a very highly developed imagination. Far greater than ours…. or at least far greater than we know how to use ours.
And within that imagination, we are given the opportunity to make choices and we have free will…. Almost like me playing with my dolls when I was little, expect they come alive and have this ability to choose.
And I also can kind of relate to the thoughts I’m having because I am a bog imagination. Honestly, it gets me in trouble a lot because I expect life to go a certain way… I create these grand ideas in my mind…. and then I am disappointed with the way things turn out…. because they didn’t follow my “plan.”
So….. I can see how life could be one giant illusion… one giant idea created by God and he’s like it to turn out the best for us…. what he seems right and just… the way he planned it… but then he gave us all choice and so he gets disappointed with our reactions to life.
But then he knows what we were going to do anyway because he’s sharp enough to create alternative routes in his mind…. and I know this all sounds somewhat crazy… but they are my thoughts…. and this is how I feel…. and I need to get this out of me in some way.
And honestly, just thinking like this is helping me…. for some odd reason, I haven’t been whining and complaining about stupid petty things…. and I think some of it is this experience with death. The knowledge that life is so short and over so quickly….
I’ve honestly realized that being dramatic and getting irritated with little issues in life and at work are stupid. Honestly, they don’t make sense in my mind. Plus, if we are an illusion…… what does that mean we’re here for?
I mean…. when I use my imagination sometimes it’s to entertain myself… other times it’s to help me create an outcome for my current situation…. then it can be because I’m bored…. or because I just like to use my imagination and really see what I can create…. and then there are those times where I’m just lonely and a little hopeless, so I use my mind to help me feel better.
And I realize some of these reasons make me weak and have caused problems…. but hey at least I’m creative. At least I’m using this powerful tool we use to lie to ourselves. And I do believe there’s some way to power it for good…. and in a way I believe that’s what God has done with his imagination… decided to use it for good purposes.
So… it still leaves me with a few questions…. if we are an illusion, what is real? If everything physical around us is made up…. does that meant that what we feel and experience from the physical is real?… Like or emotions… the things that only touch us on a spiritual-soul level? Or…. is that all made of the imagination as well? A much higher form of creating?
And if we are an illusion…. what’s important about life? Today? Tomorrow? And ten years from now? Why should we keep loving and living? Is it because in some way we really are this giant story with the responsibility of bringing the end of our book to a “good” solid closing?