Since dad’s been gone I’ve wanted to tell him so many things… share my little, yet expanding L.A. world with him like I always did…. but I can’t so I guess the best thing for me to do is write about it and hope that he receives the message in some way or another.
Being back here is amazing…. really it is. I love sunny weather so much, and honestly the beach is one of my favorite pastimes…. So that makes Cali a great place for me to live. I feel some since of wholeness out here… even with the absence of my dad.
And I’m learning so much. In the past, I’ve learned to be a good steward of my money and things….. to take care of them and not spend every dime I can because I want to. To just manage what I have…. and I believe that knowledge and understanding has prepared me for this….
Right now I am responsible for three children. Now they aren’t my own… but I feel it’s in my best interest and theirs to treat them like they are my own. Because…. well first, I want children one day and so this is a great place to learn… and secondly, they deserve to be treated that way.
Because I’m learning that a long with money and things…. we should be a good steward of our children. I mean, they are technically a blessing, an irreplaceable gift and quite possibly the greatest investment we’ll ever have… so treating them with kindness and respect is so very important.
It’s good to pour a healthy amount of time into their constantly evolving worlds… as they develop and move into different stages of life… and honestly, if we think about it…. well we were children one day… and we are children still.
Our parents had a responsibility to be good stewards of us…. to teach us how to be kind, loving and forgiving towards ourselves and others…. and we are a gift, a blessing too.
So, with that it causes me to think about the way my parents treated me. They didn’t treat me like a thing. They didn’t neglect me or think of me as a headache or a hassle. My mom was and still is such a wonderful mother. She taught me how to just be a mom and do little things out of the kindness of my heart because I care that much. My dad was the same way.
Mom used to draw on every single napkin she put in my lunch box because…. well she cared and she enjoyed bringing things I liked to life on paper… so surprise me when it was time to eat lunch. And dad, dad was always building or creating something for me… whether it was a doll house or an earring stand. He cared about the things I cared about.
And I think… I think if we can learn to become good stewards of our personal lives… of the things that go on in our little worlds, even the small ones… then we are qualifying ourselves for the bigger ones. Like children.
With everything in me I want a family one day, but if I can’t exceed in this moment… in this chapter of my life… if I can’t prove that I am a good steward of what I’ve been given now…. well then how will I ever have what I truly want? How will I ever be rewarded with goodness if I remain selfish, thinking of only Amanda?
Well… I won’t. I won’t and I’ll be forced to settle with a mediocre life… and no, no I don’t want greatest. But I do want goodness. I do want the good, blessed life that I have to continue.
And it is going to cost me. It is costing my selfishness in exchange for my stewardship and responsibility over children…. and honestly…. I’m ok with that.