death · grief · vulnerability

Comfort in Finding Self


In death I’m learning that we’re all supposed to keep living…. keep living and moving forward and pursuing whatever it is we truly want in life.

Last night I was trying to download a program to save voicemails from my phone…. and as I was doing it, I found all of my text messages that have been backed up over the years.

So I began to read the stream with my dad…. and they went all the way back to 2009.

Reading them made it feel like he was here…. and I honestly began to realize that I talked to my dad much more than I ever realized.

So many conversations were about my growth, how much he missed me and of course football.

Reading about my growth…. how much I wanted to continue to move forward…. how much I wanted to continue writing when I was 20….. and how much I enjoyed change and becoming better, well it helped me remember to not get comfortable where I am right now.

In so many ways I get comfortable in my own comfort zones…. I’ll step out, try something new… realize I like it… only to find myself comfortable in that place…. comfortable and not wanting to move again….

Sometimes I think it’s in our nature to stay where we are for fear of the unknown or fear of a new challenge…. When we are comfortable, we’ve kind of chosen to settle…. but how will we ever continue to grow if we remain comfortable?

Within these thoughts…. I also had thoughts the night before that helped me realize that I’ve grown up since moving to the west coast…. I’m also seeing myself become well myself….. I think too often that we don’t become us…. who we are truly meant to be because of fear.

Fear of leaving the place we are in now…. and fear of just begin us… but I think the true Amanda lies inside of me…. for so long, I’ve tried to find me on the outside… I’ve tried to put things in my life and take things away…. I’ve added religion, information, friendships…. I’ve taken away anger, hate, shame and people…. But I’ve learned that those things didn’t really help me find myself….

I might have been buried beneath the things that I took away…. and I might have helped myself come forth with the things I added…. but searching for me has always been a useless search…. because I’ve been hear all a long.

I also looked at myself the other night and thought, “huh, I’m not what I see in the mirror. I’m not this body. I’m what’s inside of this body.” Basically, I saw it as I was placed inside of this thing called a body to help me accomplish purpose…. to live and to love… to experience this thing called life and earth.

Almost like we are all this little spec of dust…. placed in flesh…. with a computer like mind that helps us consciously process the things around us.

And before…. if I hadn’t been used to changing…. and realizing that I can’t get comfortable… well those thoughts would’ve made me very uncomfortable… and I probably would’ve dismissed them and backed them up with my religion….

But now…. well I accept them… because I believe that in finding myself…. who I really am…. well it causes me to have thoughts like this…. because if I really am this soul, this spec of dust, this here one minute/gone the next thing…. well then it means I need to acknowledge that…. to become comfortable with it and move forward.

And I’m ok with that…. I’m ok with living in the now and having life sneak up on me with a new change…. a new way to throw me out of my comfort zone and into chaos for a little while whenever it wants.

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