Joy through the Pain

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I cry when I see people tragically die in movies now…. like the scenes that just don’t seem right or fair…. well I understand that pain now…. and it’s too much sometimes.

In the past week I feel like I haven’t had time to feel….. I’ve been so busy with work and life that I haven’t had time to check in on my emotions…. the ones that are deep down inside of me…. wanting so badly to talk to dad…. to tell him things and share my day with him….

I got frustrated for the first time in a while yesterday…. dad and I always sent pictures of the current news in football back and forth to each other…. last night I came a cross a picture…. and as I got ready to screenshot it and say something obnoxious about Manziel…. well I realized in a solid moment that I couldn’t…. that I would never be able to screenshot a photo again and send it.

So I opted for tagging his Instagram name in it…. yes, my dad had one of those…. he needed to be able to follow what I was doing and be a part of my life constantly….

And I’m angry…. I’m angry that I can’t share any of this with him…. I’m angry that I can’t talk to him about work or my life… or football…. and the fact that college football season opens this week really sucks.

I suppose I’ll make the most of it…. probably try to shrug it off and say “that’s life”….. but deep down I know in my heart this is going to hurt…. it’s going to suck…. And I just really want my dad back so much.

I think in some ways I believe it’s all just a dream…. a nightmare….

Mom is living the reality of it all more than any of us…. being at home… in Shreveport…. where she’d constantly alone…. without the presence of dad.

And don’t know where to go with my feelings next…. if I’m to feel angry, then it’s healthy for me to recognize that I feel like something’s been stolen from me…. but I don’t.

Or maybe I do…. It’s not that dad was stolen…. it’s more like moments, conversations and times with him in it were stolen…. they will never happen because of cancer and death.

I still don’t understand the reality of cancer either… I mean he was only in the hospital with it for 6 days…. he only lived with the knowledge of it’s presence for a month…. so it’s really not this life ruiner….

To be completely honest, I don’t know what I think or feel about it.

But I do know I love my dad….. I love him so much…. and I miss him even more…

This pain really never does go away… and it’s gotten easier as the days go by…. but in some ways I feel like it’s because I’ve accepted the fact that he’s never coming back…. he’s never going to be there on the other end of the phone… he’s never going to be home when I go the Shreveport again…. he’s never going to spend another holiday with me…. and he’s never going to be there for the most important moments in my life…. like the day I’m married and have children.

Dad’s been physically excluded from those moments forever. From now on, the people I meet won’t have the opportunity to meet him…. and he’ll never be able to tell me “happy Birthday” again…..

There are so many things that I hate about death…. so many things that make a person being gone the worst thing ever…. but so many things that make a person’s absence good too.

I always have to weigh the good and bad…. because if I don’t look at the good within all of this…. well, I’ll become even more overwhelmed and negative and harsh towards it all…. and that’s not me… it’s not in my nature….

So I’ll just hope…. I’ll hope with every bit of pain…. that I find some type of joy to balance it all out…. because I’ve been told joy does come in the morning….

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