I still feel like I’m checked out…. walking around on autopilot…. doing life because I have to do it and it’s part of being a human….
These thoughts…. these feelings… they overwhelm me, and I don’t know what to do with any of them…. I feel so disconnected from life…
Constantly wondering what it reality? What is real? What is true? I know what I’ve been told… I know what I’ve been taught…. I know what I see… but deciphering all of it for myself is becoming a challenge…
I feel like we all have our own definition of life…. our own view of how it should and shouldn’t be…. and maybe what I’m going through is part of growing up and becoming more of an adult…. experiencing well…. life.
But I just feel like I’m always going through the motions….
And in the midst of it all I’m not as anxious and worried as I used to be…. so I’m living in the moment more… but I’m not necessarily connected to the moment like I need to be…. I feel like I’ve moved stress, anxiety and worries out of the way, but now how do I plug myself into the present?
How do I get connected with the here and now? The swarming excitement that has allowed this moment to become a reality…. and the fullness of what’s contained within what I am living? How do I latch onto that? How do I hold onto it tightly and live within it without feeling so disconnected and far away?
It’s a strange feeling to be where I am…. It’s almost like FaceTiming someone but the service is too more for videoing…. so you can only hear sound.
I’m in the moment…. but I’m not connected enough to see it all and truly take it in…. It’s really a terrible feeling…. and I don’t know where to go with all of it… I don’t know what to do next.
I do things within my day and look back at the end, only to think “Wow, I did that. Why does it feel like I didn’t? Why does it feel so disconnected and distant from me? Why wasn’t I present?”
And sometimes I think that I’m choosing to be disconnected deep within so I don’t have to think about this whole death thing…. but then I also think that we are all mentally living in the past or future…. which makes living in the present or even considering living here and now…. well it makes it a hassle… and it’s alarming to wake up and realize I’m not all here….
So I suppose I’ll continue to try to live in today…. in this very moment and not five minutes or even five hours from now…. just here and just now….. and hopefully I’ll figure out how to connect myself…. to be truly connected to the present.