A Weekend Without

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Well….. college football season finally began today. It’s officially a new season… A new year to watch teams dominate….. and obviously time to watch the SEC and BAMA dominate.

But…. in the midst of it all…. I found myself annoyed….. and I never feel annoyed with the opening of college football.

At first I was annoyed because the game wasn’t being shown in Cali….. then I got annoyed because I couldn’t get it up online….. But then I finally realized…. underneath the frustration…. I just missed my dad.

I mean…. I really, really miss him today. He’s gone and he’s never coming back and it still hurts. It hurts me that I can’t talk to him…. or shoot him a text message about my annoyance over the game…. And then I didn’t have him here to give me updates since I couldn’t get the game.

Yes, yes I had others… my uncle, cousin and friends…. knowing I am hurting and trying to fill in the gaps…. and I feel extremely blessed… but I still miss him so much. I wish he was here to send me messages about how pissed he is with the way we were and weren’t playing….

But he’s not…. he’s not and instead of sitting inside…. sad about the loss of my dad and the absence of the BAMA game…. I decided to lay out….. it was either that or watch Auburn play…. because every other channel out here doesn’t air SEC games (thank God I have the SEC Network).

And I know it’s just football…. but beneath football…. beneath all of the hype and excitement…. that’s a place where I formed a relationship with my dad…. it’s the place we were very connected and had so much fun discussing so many different aspects of it all.

And now…. now that’s over…. it’s dead…. that relationship that I held so close to my heart isn’t a reality anymore…. it’s just part of my memory… and it’s frozen in the past with my dad and all that he was….

Looking back…. I’m so happy I went home last year and watched the LSU/BAMA game with him…. I wanted to go to Tuscaloosa so badly, but I choose to go watch it with him… and now I’m so happy I did… I’m also so glad we got to watch the last game of last years season together.

Because now…. now I an’t have any of that…. I can just have the memories… the now… the present and the moment I am in….

And it sucks…. it hurts so much…. but I believe deep inside of me that I won’t always feel this lack…. this void… It won’t ever be the same again…. but it can get better….

Life can get better every day and every moment…. And that’s what I have to live for and live with in the midst of my heart being broken and in pain…..

Hopefully… hopefully it’ll get easier with time…. hopefully next weekend I’ll be able to watch football with a little bit of a lighter heart… and I won’t be dragging my head….. Because right now…. it’s what I need to help me move forward….

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