death · grief · just live · keep moving forward

Respecting the Unknown


I miss my dad so much…. I miss him so much and all of a sudden jokes about death and dying strike me differently. Like yesterday…..

Yesterday one my the kids mentioned cancer… getting cancer and jokingly wished it upon everyone that wasn’t wearing sunscreen at the amusement park…. I just looked at her…. I looked at her and I wasn’t angry, but I was also very serious with my response.

I told her she shouldn’t wish cancer upon anyone. Ever. I mean wishing cancer on someone is like wishing death on them. Unjust and just flat out cruel.

Of course my feelings are so different towards it now that I feel like a victim…. it’s robbed someone from me.

And it hurts….. it hurts so much to be stricken with truth like this in a moment like that when a kid is being overdramatic….. only because she has a skin disorder and doesn’t think it’s fair that she had to cover up so much at the amusement park…

And then the comment of the day came…. the one that all teenagers say… even I’ve said it before…. she said, “this pimple is awful and I want to die.” Then she repeated herself over and over and over again and made it overdramatic.

At that point I looked at her and said you really don’t want to die… death is much to big of a thing to want over something as small as a pimple…. but in her little world… it’s a tragedy.

And honestly…. I don’t get upset over things like that anymore…. over pimples, cuts, bruises and the rest… I just ignore them and let them go because they really aren’t anything to be talked about or blown out of proportion.

And then for some reason once I was finally able to go to bed last night… well I found myself thinking about dad…. thinking about how much I missed him and feeling a little bit of guilt…

The guilt came from a collage of pictures my sister put together…. and I could see in all of them a very sick man…. a very, very, very sick man….

Because of the years he was getting sicker and sicker with cancer and a tumor… and the sad thing is I never really did anything about it…. I just let it continue to happen….

Yes there were times when I tried to get him to see a doctor and cared for his health…. and he did become spiritually healthier…. and our family dynamics as a whole did change for the better over the last 5 years….

But what I saw in font of me was the progression of death….. the down spiral of a great father and good man…. a man who loved others and thoughts of his family before himself…. and that made me hurt on the inside….

I was hurting out of guilt…. guilt that caused me to think about the fact that I was in college and he was paying for it all… Not just monetarily, but physically and mentally as well…. he was sick, so so sick…. And I was just growing up…. trying to gain maturity….

And I missed it…. I missed the fact that he was living with such a terrible sickness…. Maybe it’s because I was sick too….

Before I moved to Cali…. well I would consider myself sick…. with my fear of money, my body image issues and my major jealousy towards my sister…. and then my lack of compassion and severe judgment…. those things make us mentally sick..

So how can sick people even see the sick? Maybe they can…. but honestly they probably can’t…. at least not very well…

And I guess I say all of this because it’s teaching me…. once again… to look for those that are in need and needing to gain love, acceptance and life… those that are hurting and sick in the mind…. because loosing someone is painful….

And then hearing others joke about death reminds you of the pain and absence in your life…. and it’s all just too much sometimes…. and…. at the end of the day…. well I hope I can become for sensitive, caring and compassionate about those that walk beside me…. the ones that I don’t even know…

Because…. well… we are all going through things that are painful…. that remind us of reality… and shouldn’t we respect the ones we don’t know the most? Because…. after all….. we just don’t know.

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