darkness · death · grief

Shine Up


Yesterday came and went so quickly….. it came and went and I never even thought about the fact that it was three months since dad’s been gone…

I didn’t think about it until I flipped the calendar this morning while making coffee….

And then it hit me…. And I felt guilty that I forgot…. that I allowed the day to get by without thinking about it all….

I did think about dad… but I didn’t consider the date at all…. Instead, I was looking through pictures last night because I missed him and his humor…. and then I found my thoughts drifting towards him…. breathless…. laying in a coffin….

And as much as I wanted those thoughts to go away because they were causing me to cry…. I wanted them to stay because the rawness of them…. well it was and is reality….

And for some reason the more I have real moments…. the kind that can’t be explained…. well the more I am fascinated with life and the journeys it can take us through….

Until June 2, the realness of life hadn’t encountered me yet… There wasn’t a real face off with the reality of how cruel life can be…. but now that I have…. now that I’ve experienced this…. well, I feel different…

And when I’m faced with challenging situations now…. well death has certainly changed my perspective on what is hard… what is challenging… and what is painful…

Thinking about dad in that coffin was all too much…. it reminded me that all of those things…. well that they really did happen…. that mom is 1,700 miles away from me at home…. by herself… finishing a house…. and making it through one moment at a time by herself….

And she’s doing well…. thank God she continues to have moments where tiny blessing and miracles are happening… like when she needs help moving heavy things…. or when someone knocks our giant mailbox over…. or when she has a flat and is too tired to change it…. or when she’s just lonely and a then a random dove appears and reminds her of life…. that dad will always be here in some way or another…

I miss him so much… and I even prayed that we’d all kind of feel his presence in some way this week…. I prayed for that without even considering that September 2 was within the week ahead….

There are just so many reasons why death is awful but beautiful at the same time…. so many reasons to hate but love how life is evolving and teaching me things that I never would’ve learned without it…. like how to be compassionate and sensitive towards others…. especially because we just never know what someone is going through…

And I guess… at the end of the day…. well I know deep in my heart that my dad would be so pleased to see how the three of us are handling all of this…. how we are moving forward and allowing life to unfold with the cards we’ve been played…

And it’s definitely difficult to see pictures of my father with life…. with excitement and with a smile on is face…. and even have memories of him in a hospital bed…. and then in a coffin…. so quiet and still…. but that’s life…. and we’re all going to be faced with that one day….

Birth, life, death….. the emotions of it all that are sandwiched in-between… well those are things we share…. that we have in common and can relate to one another with….. and so, I guess I’ll just continue to allow this experience shape who I am today and who I’m becoming for tomorrow…. because I believe the situation at hand has great potential to shine up…. even when I feel like it’s shining down…

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