I find myself questioning a lot right now…. In my own mind and with mom… Actually my conversation with mom sparked these thoughts..
We were discussing how awful it must be for Joan Rivers family… To have to make a decision like taking someone off of life support…. to hold the keys to life and death in your hands…. how awful would that be?
I think it would be so hard…. and I’m so thankful for the decision dad made…. to have “do not resuscitate”….
Thinking about it all right now…. well it kind of seems like a blur…. Did it all really happen? Did we really live through the tragic death of my father? The tragic discovery and quick downfall of a man in his early 50s with stage 4 cancer? Did that really happen, or am I dreaming?
I wish I was dreaming…. I really do…
Looking back now…. well, I realize that I may have lived through one of the most difficult and challenging times of my life… I still can’t believe it all happened and so very fast…. my mind is still swarming….
But this “do not resuscitate” thing has me thinking…. wondering and curious over the decision itself…
Dad said he made the decision based on a conversation he had with my grandmother…. that she has or wants the same…. Ironically when she coded 3 years ago they brought her back to life…. but that’s a different story and thought line…
Right now I’m focused on his decision because it seems like the one that is affecting me and my world the most….. the choice to well continue on with death if his heart stopped….
He said he choose this because why keep him here if that’s his time? Why allow man to bring him back to life with machines if God was ready for him to be in eternity? And I can see that perspective… that point of view…. but then I see it from the other perspective…
Isn’t modern medicine a modern day miracle? And if so, doesn’t that justify bringing someone back to life? Shocking their heart back into reality so they can breathe more and experience more time on this earth?
But if not, do we have a right where God is concerned to mess with the life of someone? Have several people lived that should’ve been dead? And, is it important to persevere life because we want someone here? Someone we love dearly close to us?
So many questions like this swarm my mind…. and honestly, I still can’t get over the fact that I watched my dad die…. that he took his last few breathes in front of the five of us…. it just seems so surreal and unreal…. like it didn’t really happen because it’s something you see in a movie….
Why? Why did this have to happen? Why am I stuck in a position of encouraging my sister that someone will come along and believe in her the way dad did? Why do I have to hear my mom cry when talking about how sad and depressed she is when she sees couples together… especially old couples? Why do I have to hear and think about that she’ll never get to grow old with dad? And why do I have to call my grandmother and know that she’s not alright…. that she’s down because it’s opening Sunday for the NFL and all she wants is dad there to watch the Saints and Cowboys games?
All of this seems so unfair…. so ridiculously unfair and not right…. But I know deep down in my heart that it’s part of life…. that it’s part of the consequence of the world we live in…. that no matter how much I could’ve helped… well I couldn’t have helped…
Because at the end of the day we make choices…. in a way I believe we kind of help choose where our lives take us…. and as much as it sucks to know that dad’s ended this way…. that all of our choices helped him get here… and that he’s never returning… well I have to live with that….
But I wish that I could bring him back…. that I didn’t have to text his phone and hope deep down that he’s receiving the message somehow…. I know life here is petty… not too important… but I believe he still cares 100%….
And I think all of this is teaching me a lesson in this very moment…. to love…. to live and to love deeply… and find someone and something that you are crazy passionate about…. that it’s enough to love from far away….
I feel like he’s so far away right now…. but the idea of dad’s love for all of us and his passion for building… well it makes him feel very close…. like he’s here right now…. even though he never will be again….
Shouldn’t we all love though? Find someone or something to love deep enough that only time can separate us until we are all together again? And if so, doesn’t that make the idea of death a little better? To know someone out there…. other than God… is extending their love… their hope.. their belief… and their presence to us…. and that one day when we aren’t able to be resuscitated anymore either… well… it will make the situation that much greater because we’ll be together again?