I’ve really let this past week get away from me and I feel like so much on the inside…..
When I go days without writing…. well… it’s like going days without eating healthy or without exercise…. days without taking a vitamin that helps sustain life….
I start feeling sick on the inside and a little off…. which means there is so much inside of me to express… to mention and to make note of…
Over the past few days I’ve felt like I’m out here living…. living without friends… without family… without any real idea or clue of what to do next… where to go…. how to get there…
Thursday I missed dad more than I have in a long time…. and I found myself crying all the way through the beginning of a movie I was seeing in theaters…. thank god it was really loud in there…. because I was crying so hard… and it was over just the idea of not being able to share the thought with him I had in that moment… I wanted to text him so badly…
And then Friday I woke up with a negative attitude towards life in general…. I literally started thinking that I need to move home and not be out here any more…. because I don’t know where I am going… or what I am doing… and sometimes that really bothers me….
The unknown….. the fear of not knowing…. it used to grip me so tightly that I wasn’t able to move at all…. now I’ve gotten past all of that…. but I still find myself fearing the unknown at times…. especially when I don’t know what’s next…. especially when I feel overwhelmed and stressed with where I am… more like impatient….
And everyone keeps telling me to be where I am…. to just live in this moment….. and I am…. but I fear that I’m messing things up…. that I’ll do something wrong and miss an opportunity…
And my life is so good…. I’ve spent too much time complaining overall… and I need to stop… but sometimes, it helps have this moment of complaint so then I can move past it and onto the challenge in front of me…. so I can truly embrace the how I’m going to handle my stress…
Well… it’s not really my stress…. it’s more like the stress and drama found within my work environment…. and I so often pick it up and carry it around…. adopt it as my own…. so much so that I become anxious…. and I know there’s a way around this…. an option for not allowing it to be mine…. a solution to the madness I encounter….
But I haven’t discovered that yet…. but I need to badly…. I keep reminding myself to only talk about things that are life giving and to not overdramatize what’s in front of me…. Why do we do that? Why do we choose to blow things out of proportion so many times?
Maybe it’s just me…. but why do I find myself loving drama? I hate it…. yet I love it too…. because then I have something to talk about…. something that seems larger than life…. but that’s really very small… it’s just been amped up a few 100 knots.
But why can’t we just find good things to talk about…. rather than gossip…. why can’t humans discuss things other than the drama and stress the feel around them…. things other than well others…..
And a lot of the times I just think it’s me and the way I was raised… but I catch myself gossiping too much and allowing others moods to bring me down…. or I choose to jump into the midst of anthers negative mood…. which is stupid too.
Why can’t we be like the little girls I watched at Disneyland? Friday night…. Two three-year old twin girls from India where sitting next to me in a stroller waiting to watch the fireworks…. now they didn’t speak English but I was smiling at them, so they got out of their seats and came over to me….
Then an English speaking girl in front of me saw them and showed them her light up todays… the twins where so excited over the lights…. so the other little girl took off her light up necklace and placed it on one of the twins necks….
Everyone around us was in a moment of awe and delight…. because in the midst of the crazy tiredness at Disney…. in the midst of wanting to go home and sleep… in the midst of all the stress I’d been taking on, adopting as my own…. I witnessed something so powerful….. nothing had to be said between those children…. the love and kindness was much louder than any words that could’ve been spoken….
And maybe that’s what I should practice all week…. being more quiet…. listening…. loving and caring…. rather than picking up negativity and then spreading it everywhere…. because it’s overwhelming and it brings me down so much….
And honestly, I am weak…. and I need to love more…. I need to be like those children…. keeping my mouth closed and allowing good, positive, healthy and loving things speak for me…. rather than me speaking for myself.