Good Enough??

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I’m having a moment where I don’t know where to go or what to do…. ok, maybe that’s not true…. but I feel insecure…. insecure because I’m comparing myself to others…. looking at the world around me and feeling like I am doing something wrong…. like I should be doing more…

And I don’t know how to move to the next phase of my life…. I mean of course living will get me there…. but honestly…. and I can continue to jump around this topic….

But I feel so lame…. lame and insecure because I’ve never been in a relationship and I don’t know when that will ever happen for me…. I want a marriage and a family one day…. But how do I even begin to get that when I don’t know how?

I’m actually ashamed with this area of my life…. I feel like it’s my biggest disappointment and let down… I feel like I’ve let myself down and those around me… I feel like I’m incapable of doing something that’s so natural and so common to others…. I feel embarrassed and I feel like I’m constantly missing out…

I can’t ever relate to my friends she they talk about relationships… I can’t relate to the 14 year I nanny… I can’t relate to TV shows and movies about love, relationships and the rest….

This part of life has always been a closed book…. nonexistent…. and I hate when people I know make comments about me dating because I don’t like to talk about it…. It makes me feel uncomfortable and ashamed…. really, really ashamed…. like I’m a mistake…

And now I live 1,700 miles from everything I know…. All of my friends and family are so far away…. And I’ve learned that L.A. is great for living when you’re young… but I would never want to raise a family here… and I don’t think I want to be away from my family when I have a family either…

Then there’s the whole “you’ll figure it out”… just keep moving forward is what I have to tell myself, but deep down I still feel like moving forward with where I am isn’t enough… like I should be doing more… involved in something that puts me around more people than work people…. so I can meet guys and start dating… but then where do I even start?

With the death of my dad, I’ve learned and realized that my faith is way more important to me than I ever realized…. There was a time I said I wouldn’t marry anyone in the church because of religion, but now I mind myself thinking over all of that again…. I find myself realizing that I talk about what I believe more than I realized….

Plus…. it’s my foundation and my center…. almost like my heart beat…. so I find myself in this weird place… knowing what I want, but feeling like gaining it will be the most challenging thing I’ve ever encountered…

Just the thought of all of it intimidates me so much….

And if you’re wondering how I got in this situation…. well… it’s due to years of extreme insecurities about my body and myself…. it’s due to my religion, fairytale mindset and major excuses…. I’ve been babied my entire life, so a lot of people made excuses for me…. I made them for myself… I got myself into this situation… and now I have no idea how I’ll ever get out…

And the whole thing causes me to question whether or not I’m even worth being around… if a guy is even ever going to want to date me or marry me… I just feel so flawed…. so insignificant and so small….

At the end of the day… everything could be going great…. work could be better than ever… and I could have everything in the world…. but I would still feel like I was lacking in this area…. I would still feel like a mistake because I can’t do one thing that’s so normal…. so easy….

I don’t even have guy friends…. it’s always just been me… alone with my thoughts… my dreams and my goals… I’ve never truly had someone to share them with… or at least not the way I want or should….

Of course I’ve played games with the chemistry of my body… thinking if I was pretty enough…. small enough… tone enough…. that well… that would be enough… that I would finally be enough… and I’ve learned that it didn’t do anything for me…. yeah, I can get in serious shape… I can eat healthy and workout all day long, but it never gets me anywhere relationship wise…

And in the midst of trying to become physically enough, well…. I lost me… I lost who I truly am… I buried her deep down inside… and now I’m working overtime to pull her back out… to bring my compassion back to the surface…

So maybe this time… hopefully this time…. I can truly be me… healthy in every aspect of life… without having myself, the true part of my heart and the reasons people love me, buried deep within….

And maybe…. maybe one day I’ll figure it all out and be well…. good enough… good enough for me and good enough for whomever I spend the rest of my life with…. that would be so nice….

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