Empty Spaces…

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The emotions of death are so real and raw….

It doesn’t matter where I am, who I’m with or what I’m doing… when I feel the emotions connected to death…. well… it just feels so direct…. so piercing and harsh….

Like today…. mom got a check in the mail… It was a reimbursement for dad’s radiation and chemo treatments….

He paid for them in advance…. in full….. to help save his life….

And…. well… obviously he didn’t use them… And I don’t know how I feel about that… the fact that dad didn’t use something that was going to help prolong his life here on earth with us…

He didn’t use it… he only had two chemo treatments and one radiation treatment… his body was already to weak to handle any manmade, life saving treatment…

So… it leaves me with the strange feeling on the inside… to know we received money back… but that it was money to save dad’s life…. I don’t like that we got it back…

I wish all of the treatments had been used because then…. then I would feel like it wasn’t wasted… that we all tried a little harder and put forth more effort in saving or prolonging his life…

Mom never thought he would make is past July…. but June 2 was too soon…. too soon for all of us… and honestly… honestly, I’m still struggling so much on the inside…

It’s painful… so painful… and I had a breakdown last night that helped me realize how much pain I’m truly in….

I realized all in one moment that my best friend and father have been removed from my life all in the same year… gone…

Everything’s changed…. it’s different… it’s not the same as it used to be…. I still have my best friend… but we don’t talk anymore and I didn’t realize how much I missed that and kind of needed it until last night… and then I was just hurting because I couldn’t call my dad either…

Two men I constantly relied on to be there are gone… I’ve opened a new chapter in life… I feel like a new person in so many ways… but then I have those moments when I miss the ones that where there and present in the past…. and I need them so much….

It’s painful… it sucks…. I want things to return to the way that they were… but I know in my heart that it’s best for them to continue to move forward in this direction… because this direction will lead me to what I want in life… a marriage and a family and hopefully so much more…

So in the midst of the pain and the lack men I had in my life… in the midst of feeling lonely and like I have no one to talk to anymore… no one to look out for me and really protect me… well in the midst of this, I’m trying my hardest to stay positive and live each day to the fullest…. because I believe when you’ve lost so much…. well you’ve got so much to gain… so much to fill in the missing spaces…

So…. I’ll keep living, learning and loving and waiting and watching for the empty spaces to be filled…

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