Lacking Support

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I’m a little irritated… maybe a little angry…. a little bit disappointed…. and I didn’t really realize it until last night….

Before dad died I forgave him…. the last year of his life…. we didn’t really see eye to eye…. he was trying to support something he didn’t understand… I was frustrated because he didn’t trust me and understand me… I felt like he really didn’t try….

Instead I felt like he was afraid all of the time… afraid and trying his hardest to control my life…. even at 25 dad tried to control my life….

In so many ways I feel bad that I’m angry and disappointed with him…. I feel bad that he’s gone and I still have these feelings… I feel bad that I never felt good enough in the last year of life with him here…

Dad was so focused on money… me making money and when it would come to me… I tried to get him to see the bigger picture… to try and see it from my angle… my point of view… but he never did…

Instead it was a constant struggle from the moment I went to Dallas…. the phone calls… the text messages… the worries I could feel all the way from Shreveport….

And now when I look back I can see that he really was so sick… so so sick and that his worrying and control were out of hand… out of hand to the point that he couldn’t even control them anymore…

But I still feel angry with him… angry that he and mom have always blindly supported my sister… angry that they’ve blindly supported her and whatever she wants in life….

And in the meantime… as I’m trying to figure it out and as I come up with ways to help people… it just never felt like it was enough in dad’s eyes…. he couldn’t blindly believe in me like he did her… And maybe it’s because deep down we all knew I never wanted what I was working for… it wasn’t my passion… it wasn’t me…

It’s different for my sister… art is her passion and she will justly ride that truth the rest of her life… but not me… I don’t know what’s true to me or for me anymore… and so as true as that is… it’s also still true that I’m hurt… hurting…

Hurt because I never got the support I wanted in a time I needed it the most… yes.. I failed… but failing would’ve been so much better if I had had the support of my family…. real mental support like I see everyone give my sister…

But it was never that way… and now… now I sit here with anger, disappointment and I guess a little bit of bitterness… because I’m annoyed that it had to be about money…. I’m annoyed that dad was finally happy for me when I was making the amount of money he thought was good… I’m angry that what I was doing before wasn’t enough… it never seemed like it was enough… ever…

And this anger inside of me… this feeling like I was robbed of the genuine support and faith that I needed in a time when I was trying something on my own.. well… it will go away… but it will always be a part of my story… and I don’t like that at all… I just wish I could confidently say dad supported me and blindly believed in me when I needed him the most…

But he didn’t… so I’m left here… I’m left with this…. this is where he left me… and I suppose making the best of it…. forgiveness and acceptance of it all is where I should go next… because at the end of the day… well… it’s stupid to be angry with someone… especially someone that’s dead… because that won’t help me move forward at all…

So I guess I’ll forgive him and hope that whatever I move on and into next… that he’s supporting me… I mean truly supporting me from some place far away…

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