Death has a strange way of bringing out the truth in people…. Seriously…. all of a sudden you can ask questions and hear people express their opinions… How they truly felt about the individual… How they truly felt in certain situations throughout the deceased life….
But what happens when you hear something that hurts you?… Something that disappoints you and really brings you down?….
I had an experience like this a few months ago… Right after dad died…. I heard someone say something… Directly to me about my dad… And it actually hurt me… It hurt me worse than I thought… I feel a little offended….
Offended because I always knew something like that existed between those two… This form of resentment towards dad…. A strange kind of bitterness…. Thinking that dad wasn’t the best….
Honestly… I’m a pissed off about it… But I can’t hold it inside anymore…. It’s hurting me… And I don’t want to be offended with someone… I don’t want to hold anger and resentment towards someone that I should love… But it just sucks to know someone’s true thoughts and feelings… Because…. they aren’t a secret anymore…
So… what do I do with it all?… That moment…. The moment where I asked a question and got a nasty response… that moment was abrupt…. pretty raw and in my face…. and I felt a little targeted… I felt too much emotion from the person saying it….
And it didn’t seem just that we were having that conversation…. It almost felt like the person was happy in a sick way that dad was dead…. That he was dead and buried and never coming back….
And I really hate feeling negative towards this person…. Feeling resentment… Feeling a little bitter…. Like they wronged me in some way….
And I’m talking my way through this because it’s helping me gain a better grasp on bitterness… It’s helping me understand… And it’s laying all of the pieces out in front of me…
I guess I was never wronged…. Just felt targeted because dad wasn’t there to defend himself…. He wasn’t there to say anything… And I didn’t know what to say… Only to think “well that’s what I’ve thought all of these years”….
And I feel like the more I express this… the more I unravel different people and things I’m offended with and bitter with and about… well the more I’ll continue to learn about this opponent of mine named bitterness… The one that continues to come up against me in the game of life…
I feel like he knows every move I’m about to make and he takes me down every time…. Like if we were playing football and I was the quarterback…. well he would have an amazing sack record because I never have the chance to throw the ball or make a play when he’s on the field…. I’m down and done for before I can even think or see…
So… in this moment…. I want to acknowledge that I’m learning the patterns and the plays that bitterness continues to run in my life… And I promise myself that one day…. I’m going to live without bitterness taking me down….
It’s just a process…. A process of making mistakes, failing, learning, becoming better, and hoping that one day I’ll be able to truly have a moment like I did yesterday…. The one were I realized how much pride has left my life and how willing I am to be humble to learn and become better….
Because having moments like that…. The moments where you see that you’ve continued to follow the course and that it’s produced goodness… Those are amazing moments… And they help you move forward and give you the encouragement and hope for more moments like that….
And as for the person I’m offended with… well…. I’ll find someway to forgive them… Someway to understand that what they said wasn’t just, but me being bitter isn’t just either…. So both of us are trying to play a game we can’t even play…. And then I’ll just let it go… Because that’s what will make me a more peaceful person at the end of the day….