Beauty from Pain

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Why was I crying?…. Why was I crying because a 12 year old is so upset?… Why did her tears move me to that point?…. Why do I find myself in this emotional nonsense?…. Why do I care so much?….

I’ve been asking myself these questions all morning… Since leaving work yesterday…. Having a 12 year old cause me to cry…. Because she’s upset and her world is changing and it hurts my heart….

But why? Why do I all of a sudden feel so torn for her? So sad and broken for her? All I could do was sit in a chair at home and cry…. And then I found myself laying on my bed crying…. Sad because I know deep within me there’s nothing I can truly do….

I can try to make a difference…. I’ve been trying…. I’ve been trying with her since I got hired… And I’m doing something right because she doesn’t want me to ever “leave”…. But I still feel like it’s not enough… Like I can do more… Like I’m capable of doing more…

And I hurt for her… I hurt so badly for her…. I feel like someone just messed with one of my kids… Only now there’s nothing I can do about it really…

This must be how my mom felt… How she felt when I was growing up and going through things…. She would be so sad for me… And she would love on me and tell me things would change…

And life has gotten better for me… Increasingly better with every new stage I enter… I take moments as stepping stones for something better… greater… and of course another part of my story…

But now I sit here and I wonder “what I am going to tell this child?” She’s in pain…. But it’s pain that can mold her… Shape her into a better individual…

At the end of the day… She can leave… She can exit her 24 hours with yesterday on a positive note because moments like last night help you grow… They aren’t always just and true and right… But they are part of life… Part of the world we live in… And part of situations we encounter…

And if we allow them… they can make us bitter or better… They can cause us to turn what looks like a mess into something spectacular and beautiful… They can cause chaos and our hectic reality to make sense…

I truly hope…. One day… In the future… this 12 year old can look back and see how this moment… this moment of hurt and pain…. this moment of disappointment and raw reality… well I hope she can see that it helped her become who she is today…. who she is for the better…

Because if she can’t…. If she can’t then I haven’t done my job well enough… I have given enough love and enough hope and spread enough motivation and encouragement…

But if she can…. Then she’s going to have a powerful story… One of love of self… self acceptance… and at the end… she’ll be able to see that life… well life.. I believe… is about taking something ugly…. something dark and gross and disgusting and turning it into something beautiful….

And I believe this can happen… I have to believe…. It’s what ll I have right now…

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