The Controlled One

IMG_0905

I’ve always been controlled…. my entire life… I know control all too well… whether it’s been by a family member or friend…

Now… now that I’ve moved so far away from reality…. everything I know… everyone I love… now that I;’ve cut myself off from so many or been cut off from so many… now that dad’s dead… well…. the control is gone….

It’s over and I don’t know what to do….

I’m learning something about myself…. something I don’t know if I lie or not….

I like to be controlled…. In so may ways… it made life easier… it made life less complicated…. to be told what to do.. how to do it and when… to not have to wonder and question… but to just do…

I’m used to others handing me there way of thinking… their logic on the issue at hand…

I’ve been trained to think in the way another would think… and I’ve thought like it so well… Whether it’s someone’s religious thinking… or my dad’s thoughts about money and life…. I’ve adapted so well to the mindsets of others…

Now… Now I’m without it…. without the thought patterns… without the constant “think this way because it’s best and right”… I’m without all of it and I don’t know what to do… I don’t know what my purpose is… or even who I am anymore…

I’ve grown so accustomed to believing my purpose is held within what someone’s told me… their beliefs about me and my life… and now… well I just don’t know… I don’t know what to do…

Nothing feels sturdy or solid or concrete anymore… I can’t really hold onto anything… I can’t truly grasp anything anymore… because what I was grasping… what I held as gospel… it wasn’t mine… it was someone else’s belief…. someone else’s thoughts on life…. someone else’s guidebook to living….

And I feel lost…. I feel confused… I feel like I have nothing to live for… I don’t have goals anymore… I don’t have anything I’m working towards… I don’t feel like I have a purpose… I don’t know what I’m doing…

Life seemed so easy she I had a purpose… a goal…. something to wake up and move towards everyday… there were reasons for me to grow and become a better version of me… but now… now none of that is true… because now I have to discover or myself what I’m doing…

What do I want? Who do I want to be? And why do I want to be her? Why is it important for me to branch out? To move away from what I know and find my own way of living? These things…. they are difficult and challenging…. and it’s so much easier to hold onto everything I know… everything I believe in… or was told to believe in… those things are easy…

But I suppose if I keep trying… if I continue to separate myself and discover this life outside of being controlled… well it will or it can be good.. and I can let go of the fear of being controlled and the fear of not being controlled… because both of them are giant… I have a huge fear of being controlled again… but an even bigger fear of not being controlled again…

Because being controlled well it made life simpler in my own mind… I didn’t have to deal with the unknown… it was pretty obvious to me.. it was held in the hands of someone else… and now… now known of that is true… and I feel very uncomfortable… very uncomfortable and very out of place….

But I suppose… I suppose I’ll figure out how to live this way because it’s the card I’ve been dealt… and it’s the better, healthier and fuller way to live… At least I think and believe it is….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s