Mutual Forgiveness

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I feel offended… I feel bitter…. Actually I know I’m bitter deep down… I’ve gone round and round about bitterness lately… But this… This is different…

I have a close friend I’m bitter with and all stories and hurt aside… Well it’s still this feeling like I’ve been wronged…

Since I left Dallas… Since I walked away from so much… Well so much has changed…. And my relationship… My relationship with God has changed…

I think I began to feel wronged by him as I began to discover and learn things about myself and my life… When he started showing me things that I didn’t really want to see because…. Well it was painful a year ago to look at those things…

And within the pain… Within the truth I was feeling I began to feel like a victim… Like someone was treating me wrong…

And I’ve had a victim mentality my whole life… So it’s not a surprise that when I felt pinned…. Pinned in a corner with so much pressure and stress… Well I decided to blame someone… And that someone was God….

For about 3 months I’ve known I needed to work through this with him… Because deep down I know our relationship is just so different with the feeling of bitterness I have towards him…

It’s a feeling that puts distance between us… And it causes me to forget the great relationship we’ve had… The time it took to develop the relationship… And the amount of closeness I valued so very much…

All of a sudden I realized I’ve been treating this relationship like it’s common…. Common and cheap… Like it was easily cultivated…

And none if that is true…

So when I began to think about these things today… When I began to realize truth… Before I had the opportunity to say I’m sorry and ask him to forgive me… For my good, close friend to forgive me… Well he spoke up first and asked if he could be vulnerable…

He asked if I would forgive him… And then as he began to explain details to me… Well it was more than I knew what to do or feel in the moment…

Because I felt guilty at first that I hadn’t said anything to him first, but then I felt aw…. Pure aw that God was asking me… Someone so small and insignificant to forgive him… And then I almost began to cry because I realized that’s how amazing and real he is…

He’s such a great friend…. He’s such an honorable and loving being…

Before this moment… I would’ve never imagined God would ask something like that because I know I’m the one that’s always lacking… Always messing up and making life complicated…

So this moment was special to me… And I want to take this moment to tell him in words… In writing… That I forgive him and that I’m so sorry for everything that happened a year ago… I’m sorry and I want to move forward now with grace….

A mutual grace between the two of us that can strength and mature this relationship….

And you know what… It’s something that I feel good about… Because it’s fresh and new…

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