Still Without…

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Missing dad becomes different…. Each time I miss him it seems to be for a different reason…

Like he’s not there to take in the moment… or call… or for me to call him…

Then there are the moments when I just think back and miss him saying “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” or “Pooch.”

All of these conversations are gone… Frozen with him in the past…. and I keep having these moments where I want to share my life with him, but I can’t… and I’ll never be able to again…

Yeah, sometimes I text his phone… and fortunately mom doesn’t answer for him anymore, which I love… I like there being all of these open an ended messages with him… It makes the death more concrete… even though it still hurts…

But Thursday marked 4 months… gosh they add up so quickly… so fast… especially when you’re moving forward and life is moving on… I hate to think it’s been this long…

In the midst of the day… Well… I found this moment of gratefulness…

I am grateful dad died so quickly… so quickly after discovering his sickness… he didn’t want to live in the hospital at all… to just lay there in pain…

When the doctor said 3-6 months at the most… well, it was a nice thought…. a nice thought to have him here until Thanksgiving or Christmas… a nice thought to be able to talk to him and have him present rather than in the past like he is now…

But he was gone a short month after the diagnoses… and honestly it’s a blessing….

I feel this way because of the way he was raised…. raised with his mom in a hospital bed… in a hospital bed and dying until he was 13 years old… so naturally doctors, hospitals and the rest always made him uncomfortable…

I’ll never know his real, true feelings on all of it… he died without sharing them… with anyone… not even mom… to my knowledge, dad’s childhood and all that he experienced was and will forever remain a closed book…

But I can imagine in those moments of discovering death was so close… well he didn’t want to have to live through all of the chemo and radiation… he didn’t want to live through man’s last stitch of an effort to formulate a modern day miracle…

More than anything…. I don’t think he was too keen on seeing us watch him go through all of it… it was too much for him.. his happiness was taken so long ago… and he found happiness in knowing and seeing we were happy… so to know that his sickness would bring us pain and hurt us… well I think and believe dad considered these things and was more than willing to die a premature death…

And I’m grateful for that… I’m grateful that I was able to do little things like mail my tax returns home in April because I knew he would take it to his tax guy… sickness wasn’t stopping him from moving forward… and I’m thankful he was able to go to one of my best childhood friends weddings… to just be there… he was so sick then… and we all knew it… I’m grateful he was sky ping me in the middle of the night a week before he passed…

Dad was so scared… so so scared that it was bleak… and honestly… I think he was more afraid to fight… because well… my grandmother fought, but in the end she had a miracle… God stepped in and that was that… and maybe dad knew deep down that the spiritually and emotional pain he would have to go through to be healed was too much…. that he didn’t want to do it… that he was tired and old…

For the last year he kept saying he was an old man… which was crazy to me… I mean really now… the man was 52… that’s so young…

And I look at all of the kids my age…. with their fathers… their fathers that are in great health and that are there for them…. and I hurt… it just hurts so deeply… I think I’m fine until I really begin to express myself… and then I realize this pain… this deep, deep pain… it never goes away… it changes it’s course a little, but its still there…

Even at the beach in yesterday…. I watched a pregnant daughter and her family enjoy the day… then I saw her father…. he was like mine… and he was teaching his grandkids how to skim board… and all I could think is, “that could’ve and should’ve been me and my dad with my kids…” but it’s not and it’ll never be…

Instead I look to my right and see another family with a grandmother… she’s all decked out… looking adorable and fabulous… and I have to think “that’ll be my mom… she’ll be with me and my family at the beach, without dad, looking fashionable and stylish”….

And it just continues to hurt for so many reasons…. but I just I’ll continue to live, love and be loved… I know dad is out there… somewhere… and he’s hoping for the best in all of our lives… Even in the lives of my 3 cousins… one in college, the other a senior in high school and the baby a freshman high school quarterback…

I know dad’s wishing the best for all of us… even for mom… who’s so close to finishing the house… to accomplishing such a large, detailed and stressful task…

And with the thoughts of him not having to suffer but just getting to finally be free and happy and alive… well that makes me feel a little bit better… it doesn’t take the pain away… but it is enough to use as a shield… a shield for being positive about the situation and hopeful that it will continue to get better…

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