Over It…

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Is it ok to admit that I’m ok?… Is it ok to admit for the first time in my entire life I don’t feel like something is negative and bad and full of problems that I need to fix?…

Is it ok that dad’s death has had a powerful impact on me, but not to the point that I’m going to rollover and die?… Is it ok that I’m at this place full of joy and peace and happiness?… A place where life is going my way?..

Is it ok that I know how to handle drama and gossip… but then I allow them into my life because I’m searching for some kind of problem?…. Where it’s another’s or my own?….

I feel like I’m in such a good place in life right now…. even though dad is gone…. even though I have no clue what I want or what I’m doing next… even though I’m afraid of the unknown and how I’ll get to the next point in life… I know deep down that life is so good…

But I continue to find myself freaking out…. following other’s drama… allowing it to rule in my life… not allowing it to bounce of my sleeves, but actually getting down in the dirtiness of it all… and honestly, it’s not healthy and it’s driving me a little bit crazy…

So how…. how do I allow myself to see another’s problems… their hurt and pain and drama… and well just allow it to roll of my back and continue to enjoy the ride of life that I’m on?..

I need to be able to do this with everything in me right now… and honestly, I don’t think it’s hard… it’s probably fairly easy to do…. but in so many ways…. I feel like I need drama in my life… and I don’t…

I asked God to drive it out of my life… and I think he’s doing just that… right now… so why is it that in the midst of it…. I find myself panicking and afraid?…

Maybe I’m scared of what life will be like without it…. I think that’s a huge possibility… because I know…. and can feel… that once it’s gone… once it’s over… well there won’t be a reason to really be down anymore… life will be peaceful and calm and full…

And maybe I’m afraid of that… because it’s unknown and uncharted for me to be content in the moment without having a fire spring up here and there every once in a while… but damn I’m tired of drama… I’m tired of losing in this area of my life on a consistent basis… especially when I know better…

It’s just become too much… and I know….I can feel deep down that this can be over quickly…. it’s like putting out a house fire… once it’s out… it’s out…. there’s no more going back to check and make sure because you know you took care of it…. you know the water was stronger than the fire…

And that’s how I feel right now… I know and feel that my want to be done with drama is becoming so much stronger than the fire of drama…. so I just need to put it out now… once and for all… to be done with getting in the middle of another’s life… to be done with creating drama for the sake of having it around… to just be done with it all…

And then to live in peace… because peace is so much nicer… and that’s where I want to be….

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