Hurting for Mom…

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You know those unexpected moments when you don’t think tears aren’t going to hit you out of know where?… I just simply open a photo book to find a picture for a crafting project and… boom… I’m caught in a moment…. a moment reminding me of moments in the past… moments when dad was here…

And then I start thinking about how hard our family worked to come together as one… as a team… that we didn’t always function in a peaceful, loving and understanding way… and those thoughts… those reminders that it took time for us to become a close family… well they hurt….

They hurt because my world has been turned upside down… there aren’t four of us anymore…. there are three of us…. three Winder Women remain… and it’s painful to think about…

It also hurts me when I hear my mom say thing like “there’s no one here to take up for me. To have my side and my back anymore”….

I feel like I shouldn’t be hearing those words… At least not now… Not this early in life… Not this early in her life…

And I’m irritated that no one is there for her… that no one has her back completely… that she’s facing a crazy scenario in Shreveport over finishing a house… that pisses me off… I just want to get on a plane and fix it all… to help her finish… to rectify and make things right again…

But that’s not my job…. it’s not my job or my place to fly across the country and make sure this get finished…. it’s not my job to take care of mom….

It’s my job as her daughter and friend to support her and encourage her and ask that she does have some kind of supernatural help in all of this…. because she needs it…

And honestly, I’m ok with that…. but I’m not very good at being ok with people…. with people who say they’re going to be there… and then they aren’t…

Several people that have been in my place told me that once it’s all over, the funeral, the shock of it all… well people go back to their lives… they keep living while we continue to live in our new reality…. people basically forget because they get back to their own world’s… their own lives….

And while I understand this to be true… it still hurts…

It’s interesting to see those that really care…. the people in life that I never thought would be there for me, mom or Bridge… but they are….

And then there are those that I have to try my hardest not to get offended and bitter with…. those that I thought would be there for mom…. she’s so alone…. she’s so sad… and she’s facing so much…. it would be nice to have some support and a circle around her…

But there’s really not anyone there… and I guess in a way… well it’s ok because she keeps saying she’s ready to branch out… to make new friends… to try new things…

This isn’t tearing her apart like it could…. like it does for so many….

And in the midst of it all… well I begin to respect and admire my mom in ways I never thought I would… I begin to truly see how amazing she is…

Honestly, if I was in her position…. well… I don’t know how I would act and react… I don’t know what I would do… it would be painful and I might fall apart… I might not have the strength she has…

But I just want her to be ok… to be taken care of… to be loved and to be happy and free from all of this… I hope we can look back at this… this life situation and crisis as a good thing….

Mom keeps saying hindsight is 20/20… and I hope that’s true… because I just want the best for everyone in my life… I want my mom to enjoy her life… even though it’s without dad… I just don’t want her to hurt anymore…. or be taken advantage of anymore… I want her to be protected and someone to watch out for her… even if it’s just God…. He’s enough to have her back in all situations….

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