The Real Payoff…

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In this moment I find myself panicking over money… for no reason of course…. for no reason at all… other than it’s something to be dramatic over…

I find myself frustrated with myself when I still have hiccups in this area of life… I mean, we’re supposed to be perfect…. Right?…

But really….

I’ll get so far in life and then something like paying bills will pop up… I have more than enough to do this… but just the thought of it leaving my account terrorizes my mind… it causes me to stress and to become overwhelmed…

It’s so stupid… so so stupid… but it’s part of this metal sickness I’ve lived with… this want to control money… the money I have… the money others have… to hold onto all of it for dear life…

Which is why it’s healthy for me to stay in the work environment I’m in… to continue to allow this environment to move me towards whatever I’m truly working for…

It would be so easy for me to get another job right now… one where I could make more money… LA’s all about having more… showing that you have more and still not being satisfied…

But I find myself in this place… this place where I know I am exactly where I need to be for right now… for this time and moment in my life…

Sometimes I wish I could explain to people that what I’m gaining through what I’m doing far out weighs a paycheck…. it far outweighs the amount of money I put in the bank and have to spend… but people out here just don’t get that…

They don’t see that it’s been worth it to be here, working on my fear of money and my judgment issues…. that it’s worth walking into an environment everyday that is full of drama…. because those situations…. the ones that help me become healthy…. that help me become a better version of me… well they are worth more than the amount of money I could make in an hour or a year…

These things can be carried with me in life… they can follow me in my next job…. my next friendship… my first relationship…. they can help me help others…. help me tell my story better… they shape me and cause me to become the individual I am today….

And honestly, well… I wish we were all that way… looking at what we were gaining outside of a monetary view… looking at the things that satisfy the soul….

Because me thinking I can hang onto money and control it…. well that’s stupid… it’s stupid and ridiculous…

But when I start realizing that it’s just paper and numbers…. it’s just payment for what I’ve done…. that the bigger payoff is the lessons I’ve learned within the environment I’m in… that if I was simply making money and not moving forward, not becoming a better, healthier, more complete version of me… well these are the things that help me move forward…

They encourage me and remind me that life won’t always be this way… that it will change and go through more ups and downs… and hopefully… well hopefully I will be prepared for them….

 

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