Grief: stage 2?

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5-10 years with cancer…. Living with the knowledge of it for one month… One week in the hospital… 2 days spent as a family before he was gone…

Standing for 3 hours… 400+ hands to shake for those who cared so deeply or didn’t know him at all… One funeral a day later with more people than is ever thought would be present…

A short and simple but truly meaningful farewell to a man that gave so much to his family and friends…

One million dollar house to finish in the subdivision he first built in as a journeyman carpenter….

So much love poured out to my family in the weeks to come….

Shock ringing throughout the construction community and having to say “yeah, my dad passed. Cancer.”

These facts…. These truths about my life…. They’ve been ringing through t mind for two days now….

I just miss him so much…. And I’ve been positive and I feel happy, but gosh I hate death, absence and the lack of having him here…. On earth… In his flesh…. With life and breathe…. Building homes and calling me to say “hi”…

There’s nothing to make up for this lack, this empty space and void…

I’ll see mom tomorrow for the first time in 3 months… And I’m excited…. But I’m sad…. Sad that dad won’t be with her… Sad for the reasons he won’t be with her…

I think the shock is starting to wear off more and more… And as it wears off, well a different form or stage of grief hits me… Strikes my heart so hard…

So much so that I find myself crying at the most random times….

And all I want is a hug… I think a hug from my favorite 5 year old I nanny will help… But then it won’t bring dad back…. I just miss him…

I hate having conversations about him and saying “my dad was…” Or “you would’ve loved my dad…” I hate these conversations the most…. It’s tragic in its own way….

But what am I supposed to do? Embrace the moment? The pain and the heartache of it all? The pain is so much… And embracing it is painful, concrete and so real…

I hope this phase of grief doesn’t last long…. Crying won’t get me my dad back…. It’s just crying…. And a reason to remember and have to think about his absence….

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