Tears and the Unknown

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I cried myself to sleep last night… it’s been a while since I’ve let loose and cried that much… I didn’t think I had that much emotion inside of me to let go of… but apparently I did…

Death hits us all in different ways…. Mom closes on the house today… it’s finally over… done… completed…. she’s completed something that others didn’t think she could do on her own… especially considering the circumstances….

And I’m glad she’s done… but then what will she do next….

These weren’t my thoughts last night… they weren’t what brought me to tears… but they’ve helped me remember why I became so emotional in the first place… and it’s because of the continued absence of dad… because I can’t call him… because my life is missing him….

It’s actually lacking so much than it was a year ago… so very much… and I don’t know how I feel or what to do about it all right now… I hope that something will fill the gaps…. the missing holes and spaces I continue to feel and experience as life moves forward….

I keep learning that regardless of the amount of money I make, nothing can compare to the journey I’m on… to my story and all that I continue to experience on a daily basis…. Nothing can compare to what I’m gaining from my job…. the things that are molding me and helping me continue to become… well… me….

And in the midst of all of those tears…. the amount of sadness I feel over loss and death…. well I wonder if I’m actually becoming me… if I’m actually moving closer towards what I want….

I’ve heard a quote that says, “who were you and what did you want before the world told you who you were supposed to be and what you were supposed to want?”…. and honestly, I don’t have a solid answer yet…. which is probably why God’s response to me was “figure yourself out. I can’t give you what you want in life if you don’t know who you are”….

So I’m still here… here in this space of learning about me… of figuring me out…. And a lot of the time I feel spaced out…. like I’m on autopilot…. just doing life and hoping it will all fall into place and I’ll wake up one day and realize it all….

Someone I work with encouraged me in a way yesterday when she said “it’ll probably all click in at once, what you want to do and who you want to be. And then you’ll leave. You’ll be done here and look back and laugh that you were even here”….

And sometimes I believe that’s true…. incredibly true… that I’ll continue to pick up pieces of me… and one day I’ll sit down and realize I have them all… that moving to Cali was a good thing at the time because now I have a completed puzzle and I can confidently move forward….

Even in my dream last night I was encouraged… I found myself surrounded with people in my work environment and there was a dolphin swimming right beside me… I wanted to break free so much and swim with it…. but I was afraid it may be something other than a dolphin even though I knew deep down that it was…. But I was still so afraid of the unknown…. so so fearful of the what if… of taking a chance and getting hurt or disappointed… of venturing out on my own…

But if I don’t ever venture out on my own…. venture out and ever discover for myself if what I see is really true…. then how on earth will I be able to experience something I’ve always wanted to experience?…

Because if I don’t go for everything I am feeling… everything that feels true to me… well then I’ll always live in this area of fear…. fear of the unknown and fear that something won’t fill these missing spaces… these gaps….

So I guess… I guess I should just move forward with it all…. whatever it is that is right in front of me… but that I am so afraid of… because I don’t want to miss something great… something great and life changing….

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