Life Cues

IMG_1074What happens when you finally control your own life?… When you feel like no one holds the keys to your future anymore but you?… When everything you were working for isn’t a reality anymore?…

Because I’ve left it…. Walked away and I’m trying to discover my own way…. What my purpose is…

I need more than anything to figure out my purpose…. What I’m created for… Because I know deep down when I do… Well I’ll follow it all the way….

It’s not normal for me to be in this place…. This place were I don’t feel motivated for anything really….

I honestly don’t know what I’m doing…. I feel like I’m a little afraid…. When I look at myself I see someone who is happy, but so afraid… Afraid of taking the next step because I don’t know what the next step is or where it will lead…

But I do know that this spot… This place isn’t where I want to be forever…

So what do I do? Do I simply live in the midst of this moment? Or do I continue to try new things?

So many times I feel behind… Behind the curve… Like I’m always playing catch up in life to all of those around me that I know….

It would be so nice to just shut social media off completely…. To close off the idea of what others are and aren’t doing…. Because watching others is torturing sometimes…

I think, “why do I have to be so behind? Why am I here at this place? Why did I have to be so hard headed and think that I have all of the answers?”

Then I wonder how will I be able to lead my own life when I don’t even know where I’m going… And I think I’m coming back to this place of serendipity… This place where I just followed God and trusted that life was going to pan out well… I feel like that plan was good… That is used to get me places….

But gosh life doesn’t really work on serendipity, coincidental type of moments like it used to… It’s changed it’s course completely…. And I don’t like that sometimes…. I liked the little life cues that showed me I was moving in a healthy, good direction…

And maybe those little cues didn’t leave me… But maybe they changed their clothing a little… Maybe they look different and feel different now and I’m just not trained to pick up on them…

Whatever the case… I really miss those little cues… The ones that reminded me I’m following my arrow…

And I wish they would come back or reveal themselves to me in someway again… Because I need them now… Just to have them to guide me… To guide me through the fear I feel and help keep me on my own path and journey in life…

Because in the end… Death is teaching me, it doesn’t matter how much you watch others and want to follow their lead… Because it’s my journey… It’s my story to tell… It’s mine to live and love and share with others… And if I can’t be open to accepting that it’s my story, and that it shouldn’t look like someone else’s… Well then what’s the point of having a story anyways? What’s the point of living a full life if it’s a replicate?

I think that’s what I need to realize for myself and really tell myself… That it doesn’t matter that my journey doesn’t look like another’s… Because it’s mine… And it will always be mine…

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